Shyness

I was prompted to contemplate my journey through shyness by a conversation with my boss this morning and by the fact that I have initiated a blog. Despite my desire for a performance career, I have been plagued the majority of my life with shyness. From what I can remember, I began as a spunky outgoing child but starting in first grade I began to quiet myself to the point of utter silence. I stopped looking people in the eyes and kept my head down. I buried myself in books and sports (an unusual combo but I enjoyed the activity of sports and the emotional involvement of books and movies). I felt frustrated that neither kind of outlet really felt like much of a release. I finally felt at home in performance, especially dance when I got to highschool. I could use my energy to it's greatest capacity when I was dancing, mind and body engaged. I was still shy and struggled to lose my inhibitions when I was performing.

It was a long road but after my first year of college and many different manifestations of shyness I felt a breakthrough. I think it came from a safety I all of a sudden felt. For the first time I had been involved in a group of friends that I felt fully comfortable with. I never felt judged or in danger of rejection. I don't know exactly what caused the dynamic but it was just what I needed at that time. Step by step I started reacting without painstaking analysis taking risks some large some very small (but significant to me). Today, a handful of years later, I am very comfortable in my own skin, comfortable to voice my opinions and be...gasp!...disagreed with! I am even learning that to argue, or dispute with someone can be worthwhile for both parties and not and indication of my inadequacy. I know that as I am constantly trying to learn, to discern, to develop, I am going to make mistakes, say the wrong thing and even argue the wrong points sometimes...but sometimes I'll be right and either way I'll survive to lead a worthwhile and upstanding life.