Aaarrgh!
I am frustrated with myself today. You know those times when you want to yell at yourself like your own gym coach? What am I doing with my life? Why do I suck at EVERYTHING?! If I am not even good at the things I have "worked on" like dancing, performing...etc how can I be even passable in the areas which I am less experienced? like relatioships...am I a horrible girlfriend? friend? family member?
Argh! I made a half-hearted attempt at an audition DVD for Stiletto (taped and masterfully edited by Ryan, assisted my Melanie) With such great resources (ie. great friends lending me their talent) wouldn't it be so easy to do an outstanding job? Well, I didn't and I knew it while I was doing it. One, I was tired, and embarassed to be caught sucking at my chosen profession by people I care about. I was preoccupied by personal issues. I am behind in everything b/c I have overbooked my schedule. I am conflicted about my desire to even send in this audition...plus my sister has reccommended me and I have made my fear of embarassing her nearly a self fulfilling prophecy. So what am I to do? I am not good at the things I devoted myself to - performing, relationships...etc. I can't even be satisfied with my fitness, health, body. I have been dieting since I was nine and I still feel I am failing...argh again!
I suppose, or hope!, these are the normal frustrations of adulthood. Possibly I do not suck at everything or possibly I do but this will ignite my ambition (that seemed so abundant throughout my young life). Maybe I'm just tired or I'm sabotaging my own success - that would be assuming I have some kind of success. Maybe I'm just freaking out over a poorly prepared audition. We shall see.
mmmm...breathe..breathing.
Argh! I made a half-hearted attempt at an audition DVD for Stiletto (taped and masterfully edited by Ryan, assisted my Melanie) With such great resources (ie. great friends lending me their talent) wouldn't it be so easy to do an outstanding job? Well, I didn't and I knew it while I was doing it. One, I was tired, and embarassed to be caught sucking at my chosen profession by people I care about. I was preoccupied by personal issues. I am behind in everything b/c I have overbooked my schedule. I am conflicted about my desire to even send in this audition...plus my sister has reccommended me and I have made my fear of embarassing her nearly a self fulfilling prophecy. So what am I to do? I am not good at the things I devoted myself to - performing, relationships...etc. I can't even be satisfied with my fitness, health, body. I have been dieting since I was nine and I still feel I am failing...argh again!
I suppose, or hope!, these are the normal frustrations of adulthood. Possibly I do not suck at everything or possibly I do but this will ignite my ambition (that seemed so abundant throughout my young life). Maybe I'm just tired or I'm sabotaging my own success - that would be assuming I have some kind of success. Maybe I'm just freaking out over a poorly prepared audition. We shall see.
mmmm...breathe..breathing.
posted by Coco at 11:21 AM
2 Comments:
my friend, i love you. that said, you need to lighten up on yourself. you are a beautiful person. your friends love & admire you for who you are & what you do. you are talented so just chuck the whole idea at sucking at what you've been trained to do out the bloody window. people without talent do not have their schedules overbooked with performing opportunities (refer back to your life early summer). i'll allow you to critique yourself but i won't allow you to be mean. so stop it. And yes, I believe your frustrations are normal of adulthood. They are of mine anyway. I love you, my professional performer friend! Hang in there!
Thanks Cate :)
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