Loose hands, Tight lips

I haven't been posting as regularly as usual. It's not for lack of things to say or lack of interesting events. Quite the opposite. Much has been going on. You know those waves of growth and observations on life and love and adulthood that are painful and yet neccessary? That seems to be my lot right now. I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk about the things most important to me at the moment. So I tried a few banter-ish posts, comments on current events. But you, or at least I, can tell when I'm writing about things I don't care about. So I sort of ceased with the surface posts.

Change can be difficult. I'd deluded myself into thinking I'm completely adaptable, it's one of the things I like to tell my self, that I could adapt to anything. well I can't, at least I can't as easily as I'd like to.

Going home was difficult for me. And on top of that, Brendon and I took a break. and my mentor decided it was time to part ways. all these things, I'm sure, were timely and good in the long run. But oh, I have been struggling. For one, Brendon has been my best friend (along with Mel, but it's different) for nearly two years now. We've talked nearly everyday since our first date. and with my faith and beliefs being jumbled to a nasty mess this past year I have much relied on my mentor for help and direction...and comfort really.

All these things will work out. I am learning that I hold on too tightly to expectations, to familiarity, to promises. I am developing looser hands. and even now everything seems to be calming a bit...the trip home, though wierd at first ended up being pretty good and constructive for family relationships. Brendon and I are no longer on a break - but it's different. and...well, I don't have a mentor but maybe I don't need one right now. Maybe I could just chill out for a while and quit trying to force solutions.