The Morning After

Yeah, as Stronger mentioned...there was a rant. I posted it last night and it felt good to have it seperated from my body (I've mentioned that before, that's how I fell into writing poetry. I hate poetry. But I write it.). then I woke up this morning and didn't need it out there anymore. It wasn't bad it just wasn't beneficial anymore.

I have felt so, numb lately. Like I'm just floating and things are happening and I'm just watching it with what seems like contentment or something. I smile, I work, I get frustrated on the phones. I want to cry but all I can manage is dripping here and there. It's that season of change in my life, bigger then ever before, that twenty-something change. But yesterday, I had heartbreak. Heartbreak that didn't hit me until later. So I went about my day thinking I should feel upset, but just not. Then, as my rant detailed, I got derailed at Diedrichs by some, I'm sure well meaning, chump wanting to make small talk and his shallow small talk incited a rage inside me I hadn't expected. All of a sudden I was angry that shallow small talk exists when people are really hurting and struggling and abused. There is injustice and pain all around and yet people can chat about thier likes and dislikes and why they're better than other people and it just, I just felt ill and angry.

I drove home numb as usual until I parked and i don't know if it was the song playing or what but all the weight of the last couple months just bore down and I cried that heavy, heaving, cry. I hate that, your face gets all messed up and you look like a dying animal and you feel like a dying animal. It only lasted a minute or two. I haven't been able to cry more than that lately...I know I must be sad, but it just settles and logic takes over.

But today feels like a step out of the tunnel and that is good. My Mom asked how I was doing today and I said fine, I just know that I'm like a snake shedding it's skin. I'm changing and parts of me are dying and being left behind and it's wierd but it'll end up good and just the way it's supposed to be. I told her I was sad that the sparkly youthful part of me is dead but hopefully I will emerge from this time a shiny, more elegant, adult and that will be good. I just hate saying goodbye to the sparkle.