Warning - I'm being explicit

he went to her house and then came home to me and had sex with me. He called me at 4am after telling me he felt penned in by me and that he wanted to stay home. He called and said he couldn't sleep without me and that he was halfway to my house. That's because he wasn't at home trying to sleep. He was making time with Kaitlin. He didn't make it all the way to intercourse with her, not that it's made a huge difference to me. He said it justified it because he knew he wanted to be with me more, so he left her house and came to mine. He fucked me after that and I want to turn into a bird and fly into a truck. I screamed, tore my sheets off the bed and threw them in the dumpster, went and sat in the pool fully clothed and then came home and cut my hair with the kitchen scissors. Then I made like a good little italian and baked the promised brownies...I'm throwing a house warming tonight....after the show where Casey and I fall in love with each other. He stayed with me the whole night. I kept asking him why. He has no answers for me. He just keeps saying he loves me more than anything and that he fucked up. Okay, whatever, I really don't feel sorry for him. I am torturing him with my questions and my inability to be angry and hit him. I'm not angry, I'm ashamed. I want to burn all the skin off my body. a little dramatic? perhaps. honest? absolutely. I sat in the pool for a long time, I wish I could sit underwater. If there really is a God he hates women, namely me. Death Cab keeps me company. I just like to listen to it and I sit here all numb and wonder if I can ever, ever, ever look at myself naked again, If I can ever look at a man and see a lover, if anyone, anyone will protect me or see any worth in me, because I just can't. I hate it because it sounds so dramatic and there are children starving all over the world and being beaten and I feel I have no worth because I was not enough for Casey to stay with but not important enough to let go. But this is how I feel, cold and empty and ugly and worthless. and Casey cries and wonders how he couldn't have known this would be the outcome. and I ask how dare he call me insecure, how dare he tell me I'm beautiful when I am ugly, how dare he make me a worthless whore without my consent. I am not a lover, a lover is loved. He told me he didn't go home enough because of me and though he had decieved me again my having dinner with his ex April without me knowing, he was going home to unpack boxes. I was weak, I had worked 12 knotts shows and 6 gypsy shows and orange dropped me, which Casey seemed so concerned about. He drove home and Kaitlin sent him a text saying "You should come over here Mr" and he drove over to her house which is near mine. Made out with her, took her shirt off messed around, stopped and called me. I thought he missed me. I thought he wanted to work things out and he let me believe it. the next night he told me I was insecure, and that he felt tied down. Bastard. but how can I complain, I am the whore.