Dreaming...
I dream a lot. I certainly hope that means I think a lot (since it DOESN'T mean I sleep a lot).
I had a dream last night, I can't remember all of it. But I dreamt of Brendon and his family. We were celebrating the holidays together...his parents, me, Melanie, Brendon and his girlfriend. We had dinner, saw a show and then back to his house (the house he shared with Eric and Dan funny enough) for celebration. Melanie was my date and it was an enjoyable evening but I was on edge, guilty for accepting the invitation out knowing I had promised Him that he wouldn't have to see me ever again. He didn't talk to me but didn't seem uncomfortable. At the end of the evening out he came over to snap a picture with me, he hugged me and said he was doing so well, that my dress was pretty and it was nice to see me healthy. I was floored. I looked at him and thanked him, thank you, thank you for speaking to me, for being okay. I told him I was so happy for him. and then I woke up feeling happy, light. but it was a dream. Its not real.
I wonder if I dreamt of him because I now sort of understand why he couldn't see me, couldn't ever talk to me again. I understood at the time too but it seemed a shame to share so much of your life and heart with someone and then have them dissappear. I didn't break up with him because I stopped caring about him. But now with Casey...I broke up with him not because I stopped caring but because I couldn't stop crying, fighting, feeling defensive. But I try to have this friendship or not cut him out of my life because he was important, I loved him. I don't hate him, I want everything to be as easy and friendly as possible. But its hard and my emotions are crazy...and now I understand Brendon better. It's hard to move on, it's hard not to feel guilty or burned. It's hard not to sit in it if we talk. Because that is our history and it's all we have together right now.
I had a dream last night, I can't remember all of it. But I dreamt of Brendon and his family. We were celebrating the holidays together...his parents, me, Melanie, Brendon and his girlfriend. We had dinner, saw a show and then back to his house (the house he shared with Eric and Dan funny enough) for celebration. Melanie was my date and it was an enjoyable evening but I was on edge, guilty for accepting the invitation out knowing I had promised Him that he wouldn't have to see me ever again. He didn't talk to me but didn't seem uncomfortable. At the end of the evening out he came over to snap a picture with me, he hugged me and said he was doing so well, that my dress was pretty and it was nice to see me healthy. I was floored. I looked at him and thanked him, thank you, thank you for speaking to me, for being okay. I told him I was so happy for him. and then I woke up feeling happy, light. but it was a dream. Its not real.
I wonder if I dreamt of him because I now sort of understand why he couldn't see me, couldn't ever talk to me again. I understood at the time too but it seemed a shame to share so much of your life and heart with someone and then have them dissappear. I didn't break up with him because I stopped caring about him. But now with Casey...I broke up with him not because I stopped caring but because I couldn't stop crying, fighting, feeling defensive. But I try to have this friendship or not cut him out of my life because he was important, I loved him. I don't hate him, I want everything to be as easy and friendly as possible. But its hard and my emotions are crazy...and now I understand Brendon better. It's hard to move on, it's hard not to feel guilty or burned. It's hard not to sit in it if we talk. Because that is our history and it's all we have together right now.
posted by Coco at 12:58 PM
2 Comments:
dreaming is so weird. i wonder if someday we'll be able to track the path that gets our minds to where they go when we dream. it's gotta be an interesting thought train.
it is weird! It's amazing too, how much emotion can go into a dream and how it affects you in the morning! I'm glad you woke up feeling happy!
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