Long Winded + warning, uncomfortable subjects proceed with caution...
There are things I just can't explain, emotions that have color and depth to them, things that hit me and bring me sadness or peace seemingly out of nowhere. my day to day is so busy and wonderful that only when i sleep or shower do I process things and sometimes they're out of order, and confusing.
sadness, meloncholy today. could it be the bad dreams I've had the last 3 nights? or adjusting to a completely different living situation, one that will eventually allow me to get my head above water and focus on my career, but by all means was not my choice for comfort and security? or the conversation with my dad? the new but glorious relationship I'm in? the exhaustion from not getting enough rest? or the fact that I miss my best friend and feel disconnected to everyone who is accessible in this state? My boyfriend is gone, but only a few days and I think my connection with him was quick because of the distance I feel. I love having my sister close but I try and try to connect with her like once a day and she will return my calls or texts maybe once a week. I can't force a relationship she doesn't want. but I am horribly lacking connection.
its a balance because i'm more ambitious and energized in my career then ever before and that's great. my emotional state has been stable. no ocean of sadness to be seen. just moments of depth and color up and down. and to be honest I don't want to lose that. I'm moving forward. and I love Eddie. he's wonderful and fun and smart and dynamic and good to me.
so I really hate to admit that there are times, that I miss John. we were always together. always in conctact even if it was just for 6 months and I miss that, that complete immersion into each others lives. I wish I could be friends with him. I don't know why. I'm completelly satisfied with Eddie as my man. but I shared with John. and I was with john longer at this point and he got to know me really quickly. and he knows me now. Eddie doesn't really know me yet and so there is noone with whom I can rest and be completely myself with. Just Melanie and she's gone and I want her here! i think that's why. with john i never had anything to lose. he was a dead end and so I didn't matter as much if i was myself and he left me. this is terriblly morose I know but I think this is how the subconcious works. I think with Eddie there's a risk because as of now, he's not a jerk, he's not married behind my back, not cheating on me, verbally or physically abusing me. If he leaves me or i come up short of expectations it's not because he's a jerk. it's because I"m lacking. ha ha, and all of this worry is for nothing because I know who I am. I'm not lacking. and were he to not want me anymore it could be various reasons. breakups aren't just because someone is heinous to the other (although in the majority of my adult life...) but even in my experience, Brendon was a wonderful person. and I loved him. and I knew he loved me. but it wasn't right. but it wasn't some horrible trauma or betrayal either. so I'm too busy with my life to mull these things over normally but after my finals on Thursday and Eddie left the same day and I found myself sleeping in my new place for the first time, alone and my dreams attacked. Here is an excerpt from a letter to Mel about one of my dreams:
"I had another bad dream last night. It was really scary but I realized what's eating at me. I was being punched by this buy and I was bleeding but I wasn't unhappy or scared. I was fine because I knew he was just doing what he had to do to get his evil deeds done and by going along with the abuse we had an unspoken agreement that I'd be fine. He didn't want to kill me or anything he cared about what happened to me. And then he started to rape me and I freaked out. here's the worst part. what was happening physically felt good. But I was devastated because I knew that meant he didn't care what happened to me and there was no unspoken agreement and that he would kill me afterward. I started to cry and plead with him. Please don't, please, "you know I'll go along with what needs to be done". but he didn't care. he was dragging me back to a house... the house I actually live in now. and then he hit me in the face and I blacked out. I woke up on my bedroom floor and long story short I felt conflicted I knew I couldn't just wait for him to rape me because then I'd wouldn't be able to claim rape because i didn't try to run away and it had felt good. but i didn't want it to feel good in his situation. and I wanted for him not to kill me and if he raped me he'd kill me. and I'd only feel good about myself if I at least tried to get away but I was scared because it would be so much worse for me if he caught me trying to run away. But I did, I ran out the front door into a deserted street and panicked as I looked for someone, ANYONE to help me and it was so quiet and hot and scary. then I woke up.
I'm afraid of being betrayed. here I am close to eddie, as I get close to everyone right away. and he feels great, seems wonderful. but it's always the people i get close to that end up showing me that they don't actually care what happens to me. in fact they know they're going to hurt me in a huge life changing way and they do it anyway. it's not a direct assault it's just that what they want is more important then even my basic well being. (...) I realize that the comment of his triggered my worst fear. my deep seated knowledge that all men care nothing for me personally. they can be in a relationship with me and even think they love me but don't care if their selfishness destroys me. and the fact that the beating didn't bother me in the dream... I feel like I don't need them to care on any level but the very gravest. I wait and wait through what I see as minor indiscretions, sacrifices for a bigger picture of relationship. I just need them want me to be okay on the very basic survival level... and they still don't come through. "
so what is love? and what am I looking for? and does it exist? do i hurt people in this same way?
sadness, meloncholy today. could it be the bad dreams I've had the last 3 nights? or adjusting to a completely different living situation, one that will eventually allow me to get my head above water and focus on my career, but by all means was not my choice for comfort and security? or the conversation with my dad? the new but glorious relationship I'm in? the exhaustion from not getting enough rest? or the fact that I miss my best friend and feel disconnected to everyone who is accessible in this state? My boyfriend is gone, but only a few days and I think my connection with him was quick because of the distance I feel. I love having my sister close but I try and try to connect with her like once a day and she will return my calls or texts maybe once a week. I can't force a relationship she doesn't want. but I am horribly lacking connection.
its a balance because i'm more ambitious and energized in my career then ever before and that's great. my emotional state has been stable. no ocean of sadness to be seen. just moments of depth and color up and down. and to be honest I don't want to lose that. I'm moving forward. and I love Eddie. he's wonderful and fun and smart and dynamic and good to me.
so I really hate to admit that there are times, that I miss John. we were always together. always in conctact even if it was just for 6 months and I miss that, that complete immersion into each others lives. I wish I could be friends with him. I don't know why. I'm completelly satisfied with Eddie as my man. but I shared with John. and I was with john longer at this point and he got to know me really quickly. and he knows me now. Eddie doesn't really know me yet and so there is noone with whom I can rest and be completely myself with. Just Melanie and she's gone and I want her here! i think that's why. with john i never had anything to lose. he was a dead end and so I didn't matter as much if i was myself and he left me. this is terriblly morose I know but I think this is how the subconcious works. I think with Eddie there's a risk because as of now, he's not a jerk, he's not married behind my back, not cheating on me, verbally or physically abusing me. If he leaves me or i come up short of expectations it's not because he's a jerk. it's because I"m lacking. ha ha, and all of this worry is for nothing because I know who I am. I'm not lacking. and were he to not want me anymore it could be various reasons. breakups aren't just because someone is heinous to the other (although in the majority of my adult life...) but even in my experience, Brendon was a wonderful person. and I loved him. and I knew he loved me. but it wasn't right. but it wasn't some horrible trauma or betrayal either. so I'm too busy with my life to mull these things over normally but after my finals on Thursday and Eddie left the same day and I found myself sleeping in my new place for the first time, alone and my dreams attacked. Here is an excerpt from a letter to Mel about one of my dreams:
"I had another bad dream last night. It was really scary but I realized what's eating at me. I was being punched by this buy and I was bleeding but I wasn't unhappy or scared. I was fine because I knew he was just doing what he had to do to get his evil deeds done and by going along with the abuse we had an unspoken agreement that I'd be fine. He didn't want to kill me or anything he cared about what happened to me. And then he started to rape me and I freaked out. here's the worst part. what was happening physically felt good. But I was devastated because I knew that meant he didn't care what happened to me and there was no unspoken agreement and that he would kill me afterward. I started to cry and plead with him. Please don't, please, "you know I'll go along with what needs to be done". but he didn't care. he was dragging me back to a house... the house I actually live in now. and then he hit me in the face and I blacked out. I woke up on my bedroom floor and long story short I felt conflicted I knew I couldn't just wait for him to rape me because then I'd wouldn't be able to claim rape because i didn't try to run away and it had felt good. but i didn't want it to feel good in his situation. and I wanted for him not to kill me and if he raped me he'd kill me. and I'd only feel good about myself if I at least tried to get away but I was scared because it would be so much worse for me if he caught me trying to run away. But I did, I ran out the front door into a deserted street and panicked as I looked for someone, ANYONE to help me and it was so quiet and hot and scary. then I woke up.
I'm afraid of being betrayed. here I am close to eddie, as I get close to everyone right away. and he feels great, seems wonderful. but it's always the people i get close to that end up showing me that they don't actually care what happens to me. in fact they know they're going to hurt me in a huge life changing way and they do it anyway. it's not a direct assault it's just that what they want is more important then even my basic well being. (...) I realize that the comment of his triggered my worst fear. my deep seated knowledge that all men care nothing for me personally. they can be in a relationship with me and even think they love me but don't care if their selfishness destroys me. and the fact that the beating didn't bother me in the dream... I feel like I don't need them to care on any level but the very gravest. I wait and wait through what I see as minor indiscretions, sacrifices for a bigger picture of relationship. I just need them want me to be okay on the very basic survival level... and they still don't come through. "
so what is love? and what am I looking for? and does it exist? do i hurt people in this same way?
posted by Coco at 5:51 PM
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