and we're done here...
favorite quotes from the talk with the ex today:
1. "when you were talking about how you felt I just didn't want to listen. i am in therapy because I lost my girl...hard luck. and she spent 8 months telling me everything I did wrong and how I fucked up."
2. "yes gisella was fucking with you, of course she was"
i responded to that with tears and oh my god, i'm a goddamn human being you know, not a toy. his response...
3. "yeah, my indifference is frustrating"
I know he's hurting and I know he has to take care of himself. but he did hurt me. and he let gisella hurt me. and I can't tell him because he can't care. he's too weak from nursing his own wounds. he's not a bad person, really he's not (his words).
a relationship allows for emotional needs from both people. therapy allows for emotional needs of one person. All I can have with John is a therapy, not a relationship.. because he can't handle anyone having needs of him. material needs are fine....he'll give you anything. but god forbid I cry or feel hurt.
and me, cuz I'm not, perfect either. I kept thinking I could stay in a relationship and not have the needs I have. and so I shot us in the foot too. I will never not need emotional connection. never. I also need to be with someone who allows for me to be sad or hurt and doesn't tell me they don't want to hear it because it reminds them of the past.
it all hurts deep in my chest. I can't wait to just get past it. part of me really hurts for John though. he's got so much to get through. he text me tonight, he's drinking and upset. of course. but I can't help him. and he doesn't want my help either. he's made it clear that he's not upset over me. he's upset that he has to deal with feeling like a "bad person".
and what do I want? I want to help him. and also to find someone healthy to be in a relationship with. today John moved from being an adult in my mind that I had a romantic relationship with and an attraction to... to a child of sorts. someone to be taken care of not be with. I want to be with someone. I don't think I'm weak for crying or feeling hurt, or let down. I was told today that while I was building a life with someone they were trying to seperate from needing or wanting anyone but having someone around the house was nice and kept him from drinking and staying in alone every day. and that really hurts and is disappointing. and I'd be lying to say that it feels anything but shitty. but at the end of the day all i can do is move on right?
1. "when you were talking about how you felt I just didn't want to listen. i am in therapy because I lost my girl...hard luck. and she spent 8 months telling me everything I did wrong and how I fucked up."
2. "yes gisella was fucking with you, of course she was"
i responded to that with tears and oh my god, i'm a goddamn human being you know, not a toy. his response...
3. "yeah, my indifference is frustrating"
I know he's hurting and I know he has to take care of himself. but he did hurt me. and he let gisella hurt me. and I can't tell him because he can't care. he's too weak from nursing his own wounds. he's not a bad person, really he's not (his words).
a relationship allows for emotional needs from both people. therapy allows for emotional needs of one person. All I can have with John is a therapy, not a relationship.. because he can't handle anyone having needs of him. material needs are fine....he'll give you anything. but god forbid I cry or feel hurt.
and me, cuz I'm not, perfect either. I kept thinking I could stay in a relationship and not have the needs I have. and so I shot us in the foot too. I will never not need emotional connection. never. I also need to be with someone who allows for me to be sad or hurt and doesn't tell me they don't want to hear it because it reminds them of the past.
it all hurts deep in my chest. I can't wait to just get past it. part of me really hurts for John though. he's got so much to get through. he text me tonight, he's drinking and upset. of course. but I can't help him. and he doesn't want my help either. he's made it clear that he's not upset over me. he's upset that he has to deal with feeling like a "bad person".
and what do I want? I want to help him. and also to find someone healthy to be in a relationship with. today John moved from being an adult in my mind that I had a romantic relationship with and an attraction to... to a child of sorts. someone to be taken care of not be with. I want to be with someone. I don't think I'm weak for crying or feeling hurt, or let down. I was told today that while I was building a life with someone they were trying to seperate from needing or wanting anyone but having someone around the house was nice and kept him from drinking and staying in alone every day. and that really hurts and is disappointing. and I'd be lying to say that it feels anything but shitty. but at the end of the day all i can do is move on right?
posted by Coco at 12:03 AM
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