argh

You know, I looked at a picture of gisella today and she looked beautiful (those of you who know, know who gisella is). I commented on how beautiful she looked. as I posted it I noticed that in the picture she's wearing a wedding ring. The ring from John. and my heart, it hurts. I've never been beautiful to any man I ever gave my time to. Not the eternal kind of beautiful, the aching kind... the wanting kind. The kind where they save to buy you an engagement ring and tell their friends how lucky they are to have you. and it hurts. I didn't have parents who thought I was worthwhile and I operate out of this deficit so often. and I read these empowering books about women who know themselves and get what they want and I think yeah I must just have to boost my confidence... blah blah blah.but looking at her and knowing how she is lonely and hurting too I thought... maybe my dad was right. I'm lucky I was built so strong. Maybe I can give love and not need it back. I have friend love, I have sun love. maybe it's okay if I don't have family love, stable love, maybe I can be okay to have internal love. and while I don't want that to be true, maybe it's okay. I am okay by myself. Some people have to have others to tell them they're okay, to fill thier time, to distract them. I 'm strong enough to sit in all the phases of life without it. I can cry by myself, I can smile by myself, I'm not ashamed. I'd rather share it. but I don't have to. and maybe I don't get to. I'm only lonely when I think I'm missing something I deserve. Like EVERYONE deserves to have someone love them in a lasting way. but not everyone gets that. sometimes I feel selfish for wanting it so badly that I'm hurt by things with John, or that he's just one in a long string and I get discouraged that I am unable to be pleased. that I want everything. Like maybe I actually have a great relationship and a great life and I just nitpick and destroy and ruin everything. I hate feeling unsure. I'm not saying I deserve to be treated poorly but maybe focusing on it is selfish. I used to be able to focus on others so much easier and as I get older I feel a need to protect and care for myself more, and it never makes me happy. I can't seem to find that balance between putting on your own oxygen mask and being kind compassion and loving. argh.