Dichotomy

It's funny how hard you can work and plan and sweat for a future day in and day out. I revise and develop and try to have the energy to be continually ambitious. and usually above all else is relationship, where do I want to be in the future, what am I doing with the boyfriend I have now, who is he, why do I like him, does he care about me... and all the three million questions I have so that I can try to secure a future for myself without the stress and issues I have now, so that I can move forward and often at the end of the day I realize that no matter what I do I cannot, repeat, cannot secure a future. Because life is fluid. There is no equation and no certainty. Today, I just want a home. ANd I can digress into wanting to secure a home and a family and life (and a husband and chldren) but the truth is I live today, and today I want a home and a life. and today I have one. I look at the bed that I share with my boyfriend and my clothes that he washed and dried and folded and put on my nightstand. and I get ready to pick up my backpack and go to the gym and I realize that I have secured for myself a home, today. and while ambition is good, I live today and I have succeeded. and I want to rest, if only for the day. I need to rest.