You Dropped the Bomb on me... Baby
So, I will write more, but I can't write all.
We talked, he talked, I listened. I asked a few questions.
There was the first conversation (in a nutshell):
John - I think you may want a more serious relationship. Do you know why I came to Cali? to get married. A few months before I moved to Redondo (he moved there in July) she broke things off. When I got here it went from bad to worse. That night that you saw me drink and cry in front of you.. .I had gotten a message from her that she didn't want to be friends or have me in her life at all. And I like you and I'm enjoying spending time with you but i don't know that I'll ever want to have responsibility for you or obligation. I don't know. That's why I'm in therapy and I didn't want to talk with you about this yet till I knew more. But I was so vulnerable and I don't know if I will ever want to be again. I know when we first started dating I told you about the house and the daughter and the settling down I wanted. I don't want that anymore and I don't know if I ever will. No I am busy with work and starting school and all my activities and my priorities are different. So it may not be fair to you if that's what you want. But we're a new, only a few months and I don't see any reason for us to me more than casual. But if you're wanting someone who's going to marry you in a year or something, it's not me. Do you want me to leave?
Crista - I'm sorry. That's really hard. I'm just, well here I thought I was in a relationship, that there was an us (John-there is an us. I consider you my girlfriend I call you my girlfriend and I spend every night with you. I'm not looking at other girls or anything I just think you want more of a committment or something). Well, John, most people consider a casual relationship one where just have fun and sleep with whoever you want, no strings. (John- no that's not what I mean, I'm monogamous. Its who I am. Look, since we started dating I have not slept with anyone else, nor have I wanted to, that's not how I live). So what exactly do you want with me John? (John - I don't know, I can't answer that) So you don't hope to see me in your future? (John - I can't answer that, I'm sorry).
I started to cry. I was confused. This whole time he's holding me and not wanting to be seperated. His body language and his past actions don't support what he's telling me. Now, I understand heart break and being devastated by your past relationships and I know if what you have always wanted was a familly that that desire comes back around. I've been there. On the other hand I have also always seemed to slip into a relationship right AFTER the big break up. Which means I am constantly rebound girl. Oh, you were hurt by the girl you thought was THE ONE? Well date me and work out on your demons on me so you can move on be healthy for the next girl. The thing is, at the end of the day, John wants the same kind of relationship with me that I want:
- monogamous
- spending time together and being there for each other
- including each other in time with family
so, he may not want to get married in the future or he might. My guess is, he will, eventually. But he's right there are no guarantees and you can only take it one day at a time. So while I was angry that he seemingly misled me, I did understand.
The next day we didn't really talk about it. I helped him pack and then went to work. I felt devastated. It doesn't seem so horrible in typing it but it has to do with the fact that I feel like he warned me that he may never love me and all this time we spent together was just to distract him. We spend every day together, I met his family, he's taking me to argentina with him in APRIL. He spoke of the house and the daughter... I knew that wasn't tomorrow or next year. But it seemed like he wanted a future with me ideally. And to be told, by another guy, that his priority to me lies under everything else he can do, well, that's hurtful. and there's another bomb, but I can't talk about it. ugh. however my brain didn't wrap around that one until yesterday.
That night when I got home he said "Crista, I shouldn't have talked to you about all that stuff last night. It was really late and I started just trying to tell you the story of my past relationship and I got depressed and dramatic because I was overtired and upset about it. I don't even remember everything I said, but I shouldn't have said anything until the morning" I told him "you hurt me because you knew where you were in your life and your therapy and you drew me into this relationship as if everything was normal. I believed your house and daughter and settling down. I want that. Not necessarily tomorrow, but I want it. and you knew that." he responded "yeah, you know I already have some responsibility for you and I do want those things, EVENTUALLY. Of course I want to move forward in my life. I didn't mean to hurt you. Some of my priorities have shifted even since I met you and I don't know what to do but tell you about them. But I am in a relationship with you, you are my girlfriend and ideally I want everything to work out between us. Is there a possibility it won't... yes. But there's a possibility it will too. and it's true, I am not comfortable being completely open and vulnerable anymore. Some of that I'm working through and some of that is just who I am. But I do understand that you have to take risks in relationships. I can't promise you that things will work out Crista. So I guess it's just your decisions on what you want and if you can deal with those aspects of who I am. Maybe I shouldn't have dated so soon after the break up but I tried the sitting and stewing and that didn't do anything for me"
so it seems to me he had a freak out. We are still together. I like a lot of aspects about him. There are a few I don't and there were red flags before this so I don't know. I guess I am taking it a day at a time. What do I want? I know what I want in the long run. Right now, I like that he will talk to me about it. He does make me a priority. Is it because he's taking his mind of things and that will end when he's stronger? I don't know. I don't know anything. It's hard that I think I understand where he's coming from. And he's trying to do the right thing, I think. He has a good handful of complicated things in his life right now and while most of them are his own doing, I sympathize. And what is a relationship? What is love at all? What is the purpose of seeing someone? Do we just share life right now and see where it goes?
Whenever I am situations like this I usually have to let time take the lead. If I'm not sure, I don't act. Time will reveal what I need to me, it always does. I am very aware of the vast differences in peoples choices and relationships. I want to believe in that amazing kind of love that can come from one to heal the other. Can I just be as loving to John and everyone around me without needing it returned to me? That's the point of life right? That's what true love is, to love without needing anything back? But I do want someone who can love me too, for who I am and with my downfalls. And John has allowed me to be myself. He was very critical in the beginning and I got to tell him how I felt, he held me and stopped criticising me. As he pointed out yesterday I have past hurts and experiences that lead me to treat him a certain way... ie, ask him if he's trying to hook up with other girls. That's true. I like that we can talk about things calmly, there's no yelling. There's always holding, comforting and acceptance of all range of feelings. That's good.
We talked, he talked, I listened. I asked a few questions.
There was the first conversation (in a nutshell):
John - I think you may want a more serious relationship. Do you know why I came to Cali? to get married. A few months before I moved to Redondo (he moved there in July) she broke things off. When I got here it went from bad to worse. That night that you saw me drink and cry in front of you.. .I had gotten a message from her that she didn't want to be friends or have me in her life at all. And I like you and I'm enjoying spending time with you but i don't know that I'll ever want to have responsibility for you or obligation. I don't know. That's why I'm in therapy and I didn't want to talk with you about this yet till I knew more. But I was so vulnerable and I don't know if I will ever want to be again. I know when we first started dating I told you about the house and the daughter and the settling down I wanted. I don't want that anymore and I don't know if I ever will. No I am busy with work and starting school and all my activities and my priorities are different. So it may not be fair to you if that's what you want. But we're a new, only a few months and I don't see any reason for us to me more than casual. But if you're wanting someone who's going to marry you in a year or something, it's not me. Do you want me to leave?
Crista - I'm sorry. That's really hard. I'm just, well here I thought I was in a relationship, that there was an us (John-there is an us. I consider you my girlfriend I call you my girlfriend and I spend every night with you. I'm not looking at other girls or anything I just think you want more of a committment or something). Well, John, most people consider a casual relationship one where just have fun and sleep with whoever you want, no strings. (John- no that's not what I mean, I'm monogamous. Its who I am. Look, since we started dating I have not slept with anyone else, nor have I wanted to, that's not how I live). So what exactly do you want with me John? (John - I don't know, I can't answer that) So you don't hope to see me in your future? (John - I can't answer that, I'm sorry).
I started to cry. I was confused. This whole time he's holding me and not wanting to be seperated. His body language and his past actions don't support what he's telling me. Now, I understand heart break and being devastated by your past relationships and I know if what you have always wanted was a familly that that desire comes back around. I've been there. On the other hand I have also always seemed to slip into a relationship right AFTER the big break up. Which means I am constantly rebound girl. Oh, you were hurt by the girl you thought was THE ONE? Well date me and work out on your demons on me so you can move on be healthy for the next girl. The thing is, at the end of the day, John wants the same kind of relationship with me that I want:
- monogamous
- spending time together and being there for each other
- including each other in time with family
so, he may not want to get married in the future or he might. My guess is, he will, eventually. But he's right there are no guarantees and you can only take it one day at a time. So while I was angry that he seemingly misled me, I did understand.
The next day we didn't really talk about it. I helped him pack and then went to work. I felt devastated. It doesn't seem so horrible in typing it but it has to do with the fact that I feel like he warned me that he may never love me and all this time we spent together was just to distract him. We spend every day together, I met his family, he's taking me to argentina with him in APRIL. He spoke of the house and the daughter... I knew that wasn't tomorrow or next year. But it seemed like he wanted a future with me ideally. And to be told, by another guy, that his priority to me lies under everything else he can do, well, that's hurtful. and there's another bomb, but I can't talk about it. ugh. however my brain didn't wrap around that one until yesterday.
That night when I got home he said "Crista, I shouldn't have talked to you about all that stuff last night. It was really late and I started just trying to tell you the story of my past relationship and I got depressed and dramatic because I was overtired and upset about it. I don't even remember everything I said, but I shouldn't have said anything until the morning" I told him "you hurt me because you knew where you were in your life and your therapy and you drew me into this relationship as if everything was normal. I believed your house and daughter and settling down. I want that. Not necessarily tomorrow, but I want it. and you knew that." he responded "yeah, you know I already have some responsibility for you and I do want those things, EVENTUALLY. Of course I want to move forward in my life. I didn't mean to hurt you. Some of my priorities have shifted even since I met you and I don't know what to do but tell you about them. But I am in a relationship with you, you are my girlfriend and ideally I want everything to work out between us. Is there a possibility it won't... yes. But there's a possibility it will too. and it's true, I am not comfortable being completely open and vulnerable anymore. Some of that I'm working through and some of that is just who I am. But I do understand that you have to take risks in relationships. I can't promise you that things will work out Crista. So I guess it's just your decisions on what you want and if you can deal with those aspects of who I am. Maybe I shouldn't have dated so soon after the break up but I tried the sitting and stewing and that didn't do anything for me"
so it seems to me he had a freak out. We are still together. I like a lot of aspects about him. There are a few I don't and there were red flags before this so I don't know. I guess I am taking it a day at a time. What do I want? I know what I want in the long run. Right now, I like that he will talk to me about it. He does make me a priority. Is it because he's taking his mind of things and that will end when he's stronger? I don't know. I don't know anything. It's hard that I think I understand where he's coming from. And he's trying to do the right thing, I think. He has a good handful of complicated things in his life right now and while most of them are his own doing, I sympathize. And what is a relationship? What is love at all? What is the purpose of seeing someone? Do we just share life right now and see where it goes?
Whenever I am situations like this I usually have to let time take the lead. If I'm not sure, I don't act. Time will reveal what I need to me, it always does. I am very aware of the vast differences in peoples choices and relationships. I want to believe in that amazing kind of love that can come from one to heal the other. Can I just be as loving to John and everyone around me without needing it returned to me? That's the point of life right? That's what true love is, to love without needing anything back? But I do want someone who can love me too, for who I am and with my downfalls. And John has allowed me to be myself. He was very critical in the beginning and I got to tell him how I felt, he held me and stopped criticising me. As he pointed out yesterday I have past hurts and experiences that lead me to treat him a certain way... ie, ask him if he's trying to hook up with other girls. That's true. I like that we can talk about things calmly, there's no yelling. There's always holding, comforting and acceptance of all range of feelings. That's good.
posted by Coco at 9:22 AM
3 Comments:
Oh Crista-
I give him a ton of credit for putting it all out there. He's told you he was vulnerable and got hurt so of course he doesn't want to jump right back to vulnerable. AND he's in therapy and working through it. He gets even more credit for that.
Trust me, you want the husband, the house, and the daughter after you figure out how to love yourself first...so the fact that he doesn't know exactly what he wants or wants to commit to is not such a bad thing for both of you.
This is the stuff that matters- that you can sit down and talk about it without pushing one another away. It sounds like he is trying to reassure you the best he can right now.
You're climbing, you're traveling...take it all in and enjoy being present in the moment instead of getting carried away with what the future might bring.
I just want to remind you that I told you that whatever his explanation was would make you think, "He's not such a bad guy. Maybe I CAN deal with this." ... just pointing out, that exactly like I said, he gave you an excuse about himself that you accepted, and it's not what you wanted. but you accepted it anyway. Your life is yours to do with what you want, and as I hope you know I will always support YOU. But what I see here is a repeat of the same pattern, and even if this guy is not Casey, he is many things that make him not future material [you know to what I refer.] And you are repeating the same pattern you've always hoped would work in the past, and never has. And that is the definition of insanity. I do not think YOU are crazy, but I think it's crazy to think that this will lead to anything remotely like what you are actually looking for. I think you are both marking time.
I agree with Melanie, m'dear. John is smart. He can phrase things in such a way that it seems to somehow make sense. That's the trouble. He may not be "the bad guy". He's not a Casey. But the longer you are in this, the longer you are denying who you are and what you truly want. This keeps you temporarily from being lonely. And you tell yourself that you can live with this for now. In the moment. I know. I've done that. It doesn't work. It never works. And it will drag on and on and on until one day someone can't handle it anymore.
I do believe in love. I have met men like John and I have heard the words that he has spoken to you. Those words have been said to me. I DO believe that loneliness is often better than acceptance. That living in the "now" may work in yoga, but does not always work in a relationship that is meant to move forward but someone is constantly tugging it back to status quo. I'm sorry you decided to stay with him. Truthfully, I think you have yet to see proof of what love is and whether it exists. And I say, just because you haven't seen it yet doesn't mean it isn't there. Have faith.
Post a Comment
<< Home