In N Out

so a couple things have happened in my current relationship to make me go Hmmmm... actually to make me cry a little whilst talking to best friend about it. These things are minor but are adding up. Mainly, John does not call me his girlfriend, yet we are together and not seeing other people but when he talks to other girls he doesn't tell them he's seeing someone. IE we went climbing this weekend and there was a girl there who was new, like me and john was like a magnet to her, chattting her up, inviting himself to go running with her. possibly no big deal? later she sits down next to me asking how i came about the climbing trip. I say "well, John and I are seeing each other..." here she cuts me off with a "REALLY? Oh I didn't know that" all surprised and a little pisssed. ugh. weird spot for me. but whatev. he introduces me to a guy friend by saying "this is my friend crista. uhm girlfriend" WHAT? I am not your friend. I sleep with you every night. I don't do that with my friends. We are going out of the country together, you get jealous of the guys I work with. We're NOT FRIENDS we're in a relationship. right? RIGHT? I let it go, its new, whatever. Then last night I come over to his house and he says hello and sits back down at his computer to ignore me for 20 minutes while he has an im conversation with a chick. He's laughing out loud and typing back. so I pack my stuff and say "hey, babe, I think I should just go home". he says "no, sorry, I'm just finishing up. we haven't talked for a while" jennifer. that's her name. a girl he met on fitness singles and sends jokes to every once in a while to cheer her up. Apparently she has a boyfriend but he didn't mention to her that he's seeing anyone. I try to let that one go. But I can't sleep next to him, I am up all night. This is wrong. very wrong. if he isn't proud to tell people he's with me, we have no business being together. It's hurtful to me and I deserve more than that. At the very least, I want more than that and it's eating me up. This is always what happens with my relationships and I feel so... so... sad I guess. Will no one ever see me as anything more than a damn bed warmer? Don't I get to be loved and adored? So I can't stand it any longer but I can't talk to him at night because he's exhausted and he leaves for work at 5:30 am and I can't talk to him before he leaves. But I am going nuts so I just made myself call him this morning. He knew I didn't sleep last night. He answered the phone and I managed to stammer out that what happened last night with Jennifer is still bothering me because there are other things. I mentioned Morgan, the climbing girl, and how he introduced me as his friend. and I said, it seems like you're embarrassed or not wanting to tell people you're with me. That is really bothering me and I can't let it go. He clammed up an was like, I'm not embarrassed to be with you. But this is not a phone conversation. Maybe we should talk about this because there are somethings in my head that maybe will help clear things up for you. but I can't talk about it here at work. I just said okay. He said "are you alright", I replied "yeah...well. no I'm not alright. I'm really upset. but I'll just wait until after work" He said "yeah, okay. we'll talk about it tonight. bye babe" DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME BABE. You can't have it both ways. I'm sorry but I'm too old for wishy washy. I've been all in so I need all in or all out. It's not right. I know he's probably had past experiences, blah blah blah. so have I. Either you're with me or your not. My dating history is ridiculous. Ugh and I'm so upset now. I have to go to the gym and I have an interview to be a dance and musical theater teacher today so I have to put it out of my head. I'm proud of myself for saying something, I never before believe in myself. I have tried to be flexible and examine if I'm being sensitive, but you know, I'm allowed to be sensitive about this. I am acting girlfriend. I deserve the contract. If I don't get it, I quit.