Discontent

I am irritable today. I don't know why. I slept 8 hours (I hate sleeping that much but I have been trying to get more tuned into John's schedule). I feel like I am behind everyone. I don't work out as much, I sleep more, I don't work as long or as hard, I don't make enough money, I can't keep up with my bills, I'm fat, I don't know what to do with my daytime hours when I'm not at work or the gym. ugh. I am tired today. I am trying to get everything done. I called the doctor, I emailed my resume out to a few places, went to the grocery. I will go to the gym around noon. But right now I want to lie down and sleep. Why? I just woke up at ten to eight? I don't know what to eat because I look at my pics and I want to burst into tears. This is absolutely the best shape I have ever been in and I am STILL SO FAT AND SOFT AND ROUND. I feel like I can't succeed at anything. How is it I can work out so much and try to eat well and still, STILL I am so large and disproportionate? I feel so defeated today. and the Cirque De La Mer audition is tomorrow. and I was so pumped but now I am just feeling so lazy and pudgy