Naming

To face your fears, you have to define them. Do you know what my biggest fear is? That I will never feel loved the way I can feel love for other people. Which is to say that I fear I will never feel loved in any real way. When I am anxious or upset it can always be traced back to that... I fear the affection or comraderie or relationship I have been putting energy into and trusting to the extent I can trust will leave me and for some reason I could have prevented if I was perfect. If I had done what I was supposed to do. If I had looked past the hurt or pain or inconvenience that was there. Acknowledging that simplifies my responses. I will never have to life a life unloved because I can love myself in a real and complete way. But I don't actually believe that yet into my bones, into my brain. I don't like being alone and I don't like feeling abandoned. Ugh. Abandonment. I don't like wondering if I deserved to be abandoned. I guess I don't wonder much, I just believe that I deserved to be left or to be mistreated and as lame as that sounds to put into words and as much as I should kNOW BETTER, I haven't found the magic key to unlock my belief in my worth. Where is it?


I had another vivid dream last night and for the life of me I can't remember all of it but I do remember doing life stuff in a homey house with a few other people and we were taking care of someone's baby (none of ours) and there was a snake loose in the house and I seemed to be the only one concerned by the fact that there was a baby crawling around the house AND a snake doing the same. So I was constantly aware of where the snake was in relation to the baby. when I'd lose sight of the snake I'd stop everything I was doing to get a visual of where and what it was doing and where the baby was. I never lost sight of the baby....