Dec. 1

I don't even know where to start. I don't. I don't want to get out of bed today. I don't want to move. I am sad... can I just stay in bed today? Please? I am overwhelmed. I am having financial problems. I'm in pain, my shoulder hurts all the time and my upper back. and my soul hurts too. There's no such thing as a relationship in my world. No magic, no connection, just smoke and mirrors, just confusion, just trust and manipulation. No peace, no rest, no beauty. Because I feel so sad, so disillusioned I feel like it might help to make a list of all the things I'm sure of. And maybe to bake, or cook. It's theraputic :) I wandered across some recipes online and just reading them made my heart still a little bit. So I will do those things today.

Today is December 1st, the beginning of a few things. Jaye starts our training assignments today so for the week of Dec.1 - 6th we have to drink 3 liters of water daily and incorporate and EXTRA 20 minutes of cardio 3x this week into our schedule. Those are very manageable goals for me. I bought a 1 liter water bottle and I'm halfway through it already. I didn't get out of bed yet. Yes I'm lazy today. Depressed I guess. I'm not tired, but I didn't go to sleep until 5 this morning and I'm having trouble making a to do list. I have work tonight and must get my gym on. Saving grace? Pandora Christmas music. I love having it on all day :)

Wierd but I have a craving to go back to Catholic Church. This beautiful time of year is tied in my memories and my heart to our Churches back home and Father Tom, my first crush. The gentlest, sweetest man I knew. He did my first confession. I confessed to lying. He explained that everyone lies and everyone is forgiven. I don't remember anything else he said except that he gave me a few hail mary's to say and then congratulated me. I love all the candles and incense and solemnity. perhaps my heart will find a quiet space somewhere there.