Senslessness

I never had to be this way. C, it's always C, the worst decision of my life. How can something seem so benign when it's going to drop a bomb on your life? I'm supposed to be this intuitive person... ugh. and here I am at the brink of a new relationship and I can't help that nascent fear that while I am excited about J in a way I haven't been excited about anyone of late that every one I ever trusted or felt safe with eventually threw me under the bus. Everyone male.

Capacity for cruelty is how I explained it to C a long time ago... dear God, nearly a year ago. I knew he was trying to be a different man, a better person but I had already seen his capacity for cruelty and it scared me what he was capable of. Everyone can be cruel or unfair or hurtful. It was the level to which he could go that eventually forced me to end our relationship and to be honest that is really how I measure relationships in general, romantic or not.

And now Casey has a photo album up of all his "lost loves" and of course I'm in there with captions underneath, exposing me and my past and might I add private life... not to a personal blog like this. No to facebook, one of the networking ventures of our career. Thank you Mr. K. He had messaged me the week before to see if he could have my phone number again since his phone got destroyed and I, thinking he was trying to bridge the gap gave it to him, wished him well, friendly, you know. No need to hang on to any old feelings if it's over. Then the album. So I thought it appropriate to email him this : " Hi C, your most recent facebook album was brought to my attention and I have a favor to ask. Please take those pictures of me down, I would really appreciate it. I really feel uncomfortable with them up and your captions under them. I know I can't control what you do C but I am asking you not to exploit my personal life. Please take me off your albums.

Sincerely,
Crista"

however, though I know he read my email, the album is up and expanded. Thank you. It didn't have to be like this. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it is to me. It's like no matter how open, honest, adaptable, kind and understanding I tried to be I was still in the same position, just a tool to be used for whatever I had and still in the wake of it all I am still just a way for C to get attention as a victim. STOP USING ME! And why the hell is he still the victim. How did we end? He cheated, he lied, he had the websites, the job on the same day as my surgery. Good god, he didn't cheat on me until he found out I was sick. How is he the victim? How did I "pulverize" his heart (his words). But no, the lesson here is that it is never over. What you do in life can follow you around and you will be accountable. So the question you (I) have to ask yourself is, is it ever worth the risk again. I could have ruined my career by dating C and the possibility will always be there. Why? Because I trusted him, I loved him, AND I let him take pictures of me. That's right compromising pictures. We were in a relationship and I trusted and I gave what was asked. But I will pay for that. and it's embarassing. And no matter what I do I have to live with the fact that I let an unpredictable psychopath take compromising pictures.

So that brings me to the current situation where seemingly out of nowhere comes a man and I hang out with him, no expectations and then bam! Feelings new again. SO I have to review and what I came up with is, you can live your whole life never taking another chance and I'm not willing to do that. However, I have different rules, protective rules. I can take risks and I can try and I can open up. But I draw the line at photo documentation. Lesson learned. I know there will always be consequences to relationships. But perhaps I can try to stack the odds in my favor just a little bit :)