Not my first Rodeo...
broke up with boyfriend. sad. but can't cry. can't sleep. can't mourn. I think I have to run. run. run.
he said "I know when I met you I was different, wanting a future and a life. but I think most of that was latent feelings and expectations left over from my previous relationship and the life I thought I'd be living. but, and it's unfair to you and it has nothing to do with you, but i have gotten past those latent feelings"
and I knew after that, that no matter what he said, I'd never be able to stay with him. all I wanted was for him to be able to say "crista, I can't predict the future but I want to be with you. I want to see where we can go" but he can't. because what he wants is to not think about it. he said he worries that I think he doesn't care about me when he really does. I hugged him and said "I know you care about me John"lll I just also know that he has so much untangling of his hurt from his past that he can't actually see me. and when I started to cry he said he was upset that he had caused so much hurt in me. I said, don't be, I knew the risks. I always know the risks and I chose to take them because I know what I want. I want a partner, a lover, a best friend. and I won't stop getting hurt and taking the risks and maybe that seems naieve but I know that means I'm focused. I think he was floored. He said that he hopes I know that he thinks I am an amazing remarkable person. and he wishes he knew where his indifference came from. indifference. I have to be with someone who doesn't feel indifferent. I stayed over night. we held each other. I cried a little and then stopped. how do you cry over someone who's just going to move on? what am I losing? I think I wanted to prove that I wouldn't do what the others did, that love exists, that relationships can be good... not just to him but to myself. and the truth is you can't prove that. it just has to happen and he's coming off a big life adjustment. he said I'm learning a lot and changing and he's happy to be there to support me through it. that we're in a similar place. but I said, look I don't want you to be there for me if you don't want to be there after. he said he can't say if he wants to. I said I'm not looking for future prediction, I'm looking for intent.
I don't know what else to say or do
he said "I know when I met you I was different, wanting a future and a life. but I think most of that was latent feelings and expectations left over from my previous relationship and the life I thought I'd be living. but, and it's unfair to you and it has nothing to do with you, but i have gotten past those latent feelings"
and I knew after that, that no matter what he said, I'd never be able to stay with him. all I wanted was for him to be able to say "crista, I can't predict the future but I want to be with you. I want to see where we can go" but he can't. because what he wants is to not think about it. he said he worries that I think he doesn't care about me when he really does. I hugged him and said "I know you care about me John"lll I just also know that he has so much untangling of his hurt from his past that he can't actually see me. and when I started to cry he said he was upset that he had caused so much hurt in me. I said, don't be, I knew the risks. I always know the risks and I chose to take them because I know what I want. I want a partner, a lover, a best friend. and I won't stop getting hurt and taking the risks and maybe that seems naieve but I know that means I'm focused. I think he was floored. He said that he hopes I know that he thinks I am an amazing remarkable person. and he wishes he knew where his indifference came from. indifference. I have to be with someone who doesn't feel indifferent. I stayed over night. we held each other. I cried a little and then stopped. how do you cry over someone who's just going to move on? what am I losing? I think I wanted to prove that I wouldn't do what the others did, that love exists, that relationships can be good... not just to him but to myself. and the truth is you can't prove that. it just has to happen and he's coming off a big life adjustment. he said I'm learning a lot and changing and he's happy to be there to support me through it. that we're in a similar place. but I said, look I don't want you to be there for me if you don't want to be there after. he said he can't say if he wants to. I said I'm not looking for future prediction, I'm looking for intent.
I don't know what else to say or do
posted by Coco at 7:59 AM
2 Comments:
Sorry to hear this. You are an amazing beautiful women, both inside and outside. Someone will prove themselves worthy of being in your life someday.
You hung in there, you saw the red flags and didn't ignore them, you gave it a shot, you put it out there what you wanted. Your eyes were open to the risks. It's painful but I think you'll move on just fine. From your photos of your trip and all your climbing, it looks like you got out and experienced more of life- and that's awesome.
Indifference is the opposite of love. There is nothing indifferent about you.
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