Lack of Faith
Where are you now,
God of my youth?
That I trusted and pined for and loved.
Is it I who have changed,
and become so uncouth?
Or is this you that I just never knew?
Lately, in the past couple months I have struggled with my faith and my beliefs for nearly the first time in my life. I have felt both curious and ashamed of my feelings but honestly it has been harder to justify or even understand my Christian beliefs. Questions and debates swirling in my brain I grilled poor Melanie like a lifetime atheist. What happened to me?
Faith was my spiritual gift. From childhood I have believed and never been let down. God has been faithful to me. Even when things were seemingly bad or prayers seemingly unanswered, I knew God had different timing, better timing, goals, outcomes and things that fell through were never meant to be. I was reminded last night, while debating with Melanie, that it may seem that our needs are not met - I was trying to reconcile God's call for us not fear b/c he clothes even the lilies of the field, how then will we not be taken care of? but what about a child who starves to death. God clearly did not take care of his needs therefore not following through on his promise. How are we not to fear then? - when Melanie pointed out that his need was for eternal life, not food. I was thinking with worldly eyes. So when and how did I stop being kingdom focused and become so worldly? My faith was strengthened again today when talking with a coworker and she was talking about faith and how it requires us to understand that our needs are best understood by God and are different then our wants.
So basically God was catering to my needs yesterday and today. And I am reminded of His steadfastness in my life. and my need for humility has been catered to as well because of this. I have been looking at faith and God in light of my experience with humans, of which I used to have complete faith in as well. In the past year I have felt so dissillusioned and stupid, like my understanding of everything has been wrong and I have then been sceptical of God.
So that is that. Perhaps my struggle can be a comfort to you or an encouragement.
God of my youth?
That I trusted and pined for and loved.
Is it I who have changed,
and become so uncouth?
Or is this you that I just never knew?
Lately, in the past couple months I have struggled with my faith and my beliefs for nearly the first time in my life. I have felt both curious and ashamed of my feelings but honestly it has been harder to justify or even understand my Christian beliefs. Questions and debates swirling in my brain I grilled poor Melanie like a lifetime atheist. What happened to me?
Faith was my spiritual gift. From childhood I have believed and never been let down. God has been faithful to me. Even when things were seemingly bad or prayers seemingly unanswered, I knew God had different timing, better timing, goals, outcomes and things that fell through were never meant to be. I was reminded last night, while debating with Melanie, that it may seem that our needs are not met - I was trying to reconcile God's call for us not fear b/c he clothes even the lilies of the field, how then will we not be taken care of? but what about a child who starves to death. God clearly did not take care of his needs therefore not following through on his promise. How are we not to fear then? - when Melanie pointed out that his need was for eternal life, not food. I was thinking with worldly eyes. So when and how did I stop being kingdom focused and become so worldly? My faith was strengthened again today when talking with a coworker and she was talking about faith and how it requires us to understand that our needs are best understood by God and are different then our wants.
So basically God was catering to my needs yesterday and today. And I am reminded of His steadfastness in my life. and my need for humility has been catered to as well because of this. I have been looking at faith and God in light of my experience with humans, of which I used to have complete faith in as well. In the past year I have felt so dissillusioned and stupid, like my understanding of everything has been wrong and I have then been sceptical of God.
So that is that. Perhaps my struggle can be a comfort to you or an encouragement.
posted by Coco at 8:37 AM
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