Original Post....
**warning, this post is a long and personal digression. getting stuff off my chest**
I have a perception problem. This is not new. In light of my accident I thought I'd analyze my life with this theme. You see, I perceived there to be no cars...there was a car. My perception was wrong.
Perception is my ugly little demon. The girls in the BD company told me I looked in the fun house mirror. They used that phrase for me quite often like "oh, but she looks through the funny mirror...". After struggling for about 8 years with anorexia (and 1 with bulemia), I really can't deny the fact that my perception of myself seems to be different from others. I can't look in a mirror with out dissapointment and pictures of myself are thier own battleground. My idea of "right" for my body is along the lines of the Kate Moss', Phiona Apples of the world. And I'll never look like that. Never.
My roommate and I sometimes think the other is mad and we end up ignoring each other for days...sometimes weeks until one of us cracks and we realize neither of us were mad...just quiet one day and it began to snowball.
I should have learned not to trust my perception, it has fooled me time after time. I harbor some pain over my miscalculations. But I still don't learn sometimes. Growing up I had certain perceptions of what was going on around me, then I found they were misguided, then my perception changed again...how can I be sure of anything?
One hurt in particular has been quite raw for a long time, my perception of my parents, individually and as whole. My ideas of good, bad, love, faith, value...et.al. where shaped during their reign. As anyone can say. The addition of abuse, religious clash, and divorce has left all of their 6 kids reeling. We each manifest our issues differently.
I don't like to dwell on my childhood, but it is a recurring theme as I peel apart hurts and bonds. So many things that occurred manifest themselves in the way I conduct myself now, the way I percieve. At this stage in my life where I am making small and large decisions I am aware that both have lasting effects. As a friend warned me recently, I haven't made decisions involving marriage, divorce, children, lives...ect. My trivial issues don't amount to kids hating thier parents, hurting themselves, people with years of recovery. But they will. I am 23, making career decisions, partner decisions, faith decisions. This is a dangerous time to have perception problems. Feel me?
In light of my search for truth and accuracy in perception, I finally confronted my Dad on an issue I've harbored a long time. Watching my little brothers viscious cycle, it's hard for me to continue in my path away from bitterness. The abuse we experienced as children was magnified on him, being the youngest and the one "unexpected" burden. My Dad and I were discussing a particular defining moment where, at the age of 5, my little brother was threatened in a particular way and my Dad witnessed it instead of just us kids. He expressed his horror and his sorrow at what became a daily occurance for Eric. I couldn't hold myself back anymore "I know have no right to ask this but why didn't you protect us? Why when I was six did you make his safety my responsibility? why didn't you take us away, why couldn't you be Dad? " This was a a deep seated arrow in my heart. Day after day, year after year things happened to us. I was told to bide my time, stick it out, pray,protect and understand. Why didn't Dad want to save us? It was not our doing, but it was indirectly his because of his choices. My Dad, as always, answered me without reproach. His reply...He wouldn't have gotten custody, therefore leaving us even more exposed. This had happened to him in a previous marriage. While I have to work to make my heart believe him, it's a start. "you mean, you wanted to protect us?" I guess that's all I wanted, I wanted him to want to protect us. I have been fortunate in the last year to speak so freely with my parents. I have started to ask the questions that allow me to piece together my childhood. What I experienced, I experienced through child eyes and I have the opportunity to view it from thier side and from an older perspective. That is healing for me and allows me to not recreate the past in my own life, it allows me to pick through and sort the constructive from the inconstructive. Because I had so many good things in my life from my parents and others, I want to be able to seperate good from bad and be thankful for the good and learn from the bad. I want to have accurate perception. And I want to be released from the guilt I feel about my bitterness to my parents, the bitterness I pressed down and smiled through. I want release from guilt of not being able to protect my little brother, my little sister, my older brother. I want release from the fear I have of being an abuser. I want release from feeling like everything I touch falls apart...though I'm not sure where that fits into in all this but it does I'm sure.
I'm selfish, I know, I want to be alright. I want Eric to graduate and finally feel loved and safe. I want to make righteous choices..I want, I want, I want....
I have a perception problem. This is not new. In light of my accident I thought I'd analyze my life with this theme. You see, I perceived there to be no cars...there was a car. My perception was wrong.
Perception is my ugly little demon. The girls in the BD company told me I looked in the fun house mirror. They used that phrase for me quite often like "oh, but she looks through the funny mirror...". After struggling for about 8 years with anorexia (and 1 with bulemia), I really can't deny the fact that my perception of myself seems to be different from others. I can't look in a mirror with out dissapointment and pictures of myself are thier own battleground. My idea of "right" for my body is along the lines of the Kate Moss', Phiona Apples of the world. And I'll never look like that. Never.
My roommate and I sometimes think the other is mad and we end up ignoring each other for days...sometimes weeks until one of us cracks and we realize neither of us were mad...just quiet one day and it began to snowball.
I should have learned not to trust my perception, it has fooled me time after time. I harbor some pain over my miscalculations. But I still don't learn sometimes. Growing up I had certain perceptions of what was going on around me, then I found they were misguided, then my perception changed again...how can I be sure of anything?
One hurt in particular has been quite raw for a long time, my perception of my parents, individually and as whole. My ideas of good, bad, love, faith, value...et.al. where shaped during their reign. As anyone can say. The addition of abuse, religious clash, and divorce has left all of their 6 kids reeling. We each manifest our issues differently.
I don't like to dwell on my childhood, but it is a recurring theme as I peel apart hurts and bonds. So many things that occurred manifest themselves in the way I conduct myself now, the way I percieve. At this stage in my life where I am making small and large decisions I am aware that both have lasting effects. As a friend warned me recently, I haven't made decisions involving marriage, divorce, children, lives...ect. My trivial issues don't amount to kids hating thier parents, hurting themselves, people with years of recovery. But they will. I am 23, making career decisions, partner decisions, faith decisions. This is a dangerous time to have perception problems. Feel me?
In light of my search for truth and accuracy in perception, I finally confronted my Dad on an issue I've harbored a long time. Watching my little brothers viscious cycle, it's hard for me to continue in my path away from bitterness. The abuse we experienced as children was magnified on him, being the youngest and the one "unexpected" burden. My Dad and I were discussing a particular defining moment where, at the age of 5, my little brother was threatened in a particular way and my Dad witnessed it instead of just us kids. He expressed his horror and his sorrow at what became a daily occurance for Eric. I couldn't hold myself back anymore "I know have no right to ask this but why didn't you protect us? Why when I was six did you make his safety my responsibility? why didn't you take us away, why couldn't you be Dad? " This was a a deep seated arrow in my heart. Day after day, year after year things happened to us. I was told to bide my time, stick it out, pray,protect and understand. Why didn't Dad want to save us? It was not our doing, but it was indirectly his because of his choices. My Dad, as always, answered me without reproach. His reply...He wouldn't have gotten custody, therefore leaving us even more exposed. This had happened to him in a previous marriage. While I have to work to make my heart believe him, it's a start. "you mean, you wanted to protect us?" I guess that's all I wanted, I wanted him to want to protect us. I have been fortunate in the last year to speak so freely with my parents. I have started to ask the questions that allow me to piece together my childhood. What I experienced, I experienced through child eyes and I have the opportunity to view it from thier side and from an older perspective. That is healing for me and allows me to not recreate the past in my own life, it allows me to pick through and sort the constructive from the inconstructive. Because I had so many good things in my life from my parents and others, I want to be able to seperate good from bad and be thankful for the good and learn from the bad. I want to have accurate perception. And I want to be released from the guilt I feel about my bitterness to my parents, the bitterness I pressed down and smiled through. I want release from guilt of not being able to protect my little brother, my little sister, my older brother. I want release from the fear I have of being an abuser. I want release from feeling like everything I touch falls apart...though I'm not sure where that fits into in all this but it does I'm sure.
I'm selfish, I know, I want to be alright. I want Eric to graduate and finally feel loved and safe. I want to make righteous choices..I want, I want, I want....
posted by Coco at 5:26 PM
2 Comments:
I want to be all right too. That's good isn't it?
...
If you ever need the "right" answer for your perceptions, I can tell you ya know. ;)... Just kidding.
...
You are very brave Leopardi. I bet Dr. Laura as a lot that might interest you... :)
Wanting to be okay, wanting to have accurate perception, wanting more for yourself, is not being selfish in my book.
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