A Reminder Today
I awoke today, as most days, with anxiety. I have said before, sleep is my battleground, my personal struggle. When I wake up, often I feel heavy and depressed. Why am I getting up and going about my day when I am useless? worthless? it takes so much energy to be worthless. When I was in school I would often cry ceaselessly. I didn't have a specific reason. I hated that. I don't know why the morning demon torments me but I usually combat it by listing the things I need to get done and by listening to music or if I can't listen to music I sing in my head...okay, sometimes I sing out loud too. And I have a few note-cards with scripture verses on them taped to the mirror. They are the same ones I taped on the mirror when Melanie and I first moved in. You may not believe it but I read those verses everytime I am in the bathroom. It's a forced habit. I couldn't tell you right now what the verses say, I just know to read them when I am there. Funny huh? The other thing I do, now that I have some time behind me, is remind myself that this is a morning feeling...simply a feeling, not a reality. I have been waking up in such a state since high school and my life has continued and gotten better and so how I feel in the morning passes once I get to where I am going.
A while ago a friend of mine gave me "The Satisfied Heart" a devotional by Ruth Myers. I never read it. I'm horrible at devotionals because I am horrible at reading the writings of Christians often. I am a Christian, whole-heartedly. But I have this terrible rebellious nature dating back to my childhood against Christian terminology. I NEVER listened to Christian music and I don't listen to much of it now. My family was very Bible-y, using terms and quoting the Commandments, and yet my family was disfunctional and abusive and I have come to be really sensitive to people manipulating the Bible so they can oppress or control. That's the long way of saying I rolled my eyes at "The Satisfied Heart". I picked it up this morning and read the note my friend wrote on the first page. I never see Kelly. She married shortly after graduation and moved to New York. We weren't THAT close really. But she is a fellow dancer and everytime I see her she wants to get in deep...what are you up to, hows it going, how is your heart? and she means it and I am that way. Melanie would describe me as a shot of whiskey...let's just get to the deep stuff. It's true. So I started the first few pages. Here is the scripture from the front of the book that I'm reading this morning:
"If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God" Proverbs 2:1-5
It reminds me of the story Ed told me about the man in Africa who knew there was someone calling to him and he would shout every day at the top of his lungs "Who are you?". For thirty years he felt this calling, this presence in him. After thirty years, he met a Christian man and recieved Christ and he fell down crying. When asked why he was crying he told of the past thirty years and how happy he was now that he knew who was calling him. He had peace. I probably botched that story, it was amazing when I read it in the email.
A while ago a friend of mine gave me "The Satisfied Heart" a devotional by Ruth Myers. I never read it. I'm horrible at devotionals because I am horrible at reading the writings of Christians often. I am a Christian, whole-heartedly. But I have this terrible rebellious nature dating back to my childhood against Christian terminology. I NEVER listened to Christian music and I don't listen to much of it now. My family was very Bible-y, using terms and quoting the Commandments, and yet my family was disfunctional and abusive and I have come to be really sensitive to people manipulating the Bible so they can oppress or control. That's the long way of saying I rolled my eyes at "The Satisfied Heart". I picked it up this morning and read the note my friend wrote on the first page. I never see Kelly. She married shortly after graduation and moved to New York. We weren't THAT close really. But she is a fellow dancer and everytime I see her she wants to get in deep...what are you up to, hows it going, how is your heart? and she means it and I am that way. Melanie would describe me as a shot of whiskey...let's just get to the deep stuff. It's true. So I started the first few pages. Here is the scripture from the front of the book that I'm reading this morning:
"If you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God" Proverbs 2:1-5
It reminds me of the story Ed told me about the man in Africa who knew there was someone calling to him and he would shout every day at the top of his lungs "Who are you?". For thirty years he felt this calling, this presence in him. After thirty years, he met a Christian man and recieved Christ and he fell down crying. When asked why he was crying he told of the past thirty years and how happy he was now that he knew who was calling him. He had peace. I probably botched that story, it was amazing when I read it in the email.
posted by Coco at 7:45 AM
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