Aweful Dark
I am happy in my life. I love so many things...I love to perform, I love my sister visiting, I love my new relationship with Casey. I am a young adult, figuring things out. I am down on myself for my financial hardships, for my everburning struggle to perform, my weight...blah blah blah, but overall there is direction, passion, dynamic and love. I am enjoying this new dance company. After a rocky start the last couple rehearsals have been wonderful for my body! From attitude, arabesque, axle, elonge...to rise and tourque and melt...I am a dancer once again.
and then, there is always this darkness waiting on the edge of my reality. A gaping, bleeding hole in my soul that begs for my attention, that reminds me from whence I came, that I have been wieghed and measured and found wanting. Why can't i escape the darnkess inside me? I have worked so hard to progress, to learn, to accept what I can't control...why, now, at 24 do I still have to deal with this demon? Will it never leave me alone? Will I never live a life that is mine? Change dammit! There are volumes upon volumes of stories of people finding thier self worth, the old pulling themselves up by thier bootstraps. How often is it acceptable to pull yourself up? How many times must I be burned down to grow again from nothing. I am nothing, I am nothing I feel. I don't always feel it there, sometimes I think I am free. But then it washes over me again. I will find the key though, I won't stop until I find the key and then I will tell everyone I know how I became free of the aweful dark.
and then, there is always this darkness waiting on the edge of my reality. A gaping, bleeding hole in my soul that begs for my attention, that reminds me from whence I came, that I have been wieghed and measured and found wanting. Why can't i escape the darnkess inside me? I have worked so hard to progress, to learn, to accept what I can't control...why, now, at 24 do I still have to deal with this demon? Will it never leave me alone? Will I never live a life that is mine? Change dammit! There are volumes upon volumes of stories of people finding thier self worth, the old pulling themselves up by thier bootstraps. How often is it acceptable to pull yourself up? How many times must I be burned down to grow again from nothing. I am nothing, I am nothing I feel. I don't always feel it there, sometimes I think I am free. But then it washes over me again. I will find the key though, I won't stop until I find the key and then I will tell everyone I know how I became free of the aweful dark.
posted by Coco at 7:11 PM
3 Comments:
your gracious savior and we who love you are in there, the aweful dark, with you. we're quietly whispering, "we love you", reaching out our hands to bring in out into the basking light of warmth. it's what we do, no matter how many times it takes. who's counting anyway? i'm not. our creator is not.
next time you're in there, take a moment to be still and listen. you'll hear us whispering. you'll know that the awful dark is not a place of isolation as it likes to lead us to believe. it's a liar. call it what it is to it's face and eventually it will fold. again and again and again. don't bother counting. it only makes it stronger.
love you sis'
Sometimes the awful dark is nothing more than 24.
You're doing what you love. You found love doing what you love...even better. The rest will all fall into place.
You are not the darkness...not at all.
The darkness is a horrible place to be and yet it is a terribly important place to reside as well. The best gift that the darkness can give you is the recognition of the light.
Speaking as someone who has passed through/swung through the darkness - there is an upswing out of the darkness. There is usually also one more plunge back into even deeper darkness but then you are released and free. And that release is a wonderful place to be, a place that you could never have imagined at the time. A place where you can actually be happy. In a way that you never felt before.
You will find the key. Have faith that you will. It is the rare person indeed who does not. And others have seen the light in you. I know I have. Its Amber.
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