Sacred

I went to a worship service last night with Melanie called "Sacred". It's just two hours of darkness where you can pray, sing, read...ect. There is one person who loosly structures the night - reading scripture and asking questions for introspection. After a bit the emcee (for lack of a better term) said to take about 20 minutes of free worship, pray whatever, while music played. I whipped out my notebook and tried not to think to much and just do. It was really dark so I couldn't see my own writing but this poem appeared from my pen:

"I look at my hands, where is this blood from?
Where is this blood from?
I am the sinner and you are the saint,
you asked me to come but I begged you to wait
and now I'm the criminal ridden with hate.
You promised me honey, that you would be my gate,
I asked you for silence, I begged you prostrate.
It's too late to save me, I've now sealed my fate.
But blood on my hands is too much to bear!
Could I return to my place of unknown,
I'd follow your lead,
I'd run from my home,
I'd kiss the children
and bend to your will
but nothing can save me
I fall deeper still.
The blood from the victims
cries to my soul!
One part of me, nurturer, fights for control,
but the other part, anger,
took hold much too soon
no weapon too small
no cause to delay
Did you warn me to late?
Can I hand you the blame?
No, mine was the passion, so mine is the pain."

I guess that's what comes out of me. I was kind of dissappointed. I thought I'd worked through my darkness! My introspective emo deamon? Haven't I written enough bitter poems? after a while, how do I take them seriously. How does anybody take me seriously? Am I ever going to be free of this? as I thought about it, I realized a few things:
1. I have worked on it. My life is good-better. I am healthier.
2. I had also learned to embrace my feelings and experiences creatively and use them since...
3. they've become part of my personality
4. but I still have work to do. I was advised that my bitterness will need to be addressed, probably every day.

after that time I did go up and ask someone to pray for me. he asked what for and I said I don't know whatever comes to you. I thought he might burst into laughter. He was like "really? whatever comes". hmmm yeah, whatever comes. I can pray over food, pray for my brothers and sisters but my communication with God this year has been a struggle. I haven't been praying much and I can't pray for myself. So the man at the alter helped me out, prayed for me and threw in specifics...hey wait, he didn't know me! But he mentioned a few specific things in my life. and then after the "amens" I thanked him and I KID YOU NOT, He said "I'll be here all week". I nearly giggled at his feet but I knew he said it with seriousness. All I could think in my head was "Thank you, I'll be here all week...har har!"

and thus starts the season of Lent...