Brian
I wrote the poem for Brian.
My good friend in Oklahoma, one of my best friends, called me last week to tell me Brian had died. and I was stunned. Brian was not an everyday friend. In fact, he had kind of disappeared for a while. When I graduated college Brian told me he REALLY liked me. That he really wanted to get to know me better, to love me. I was stunned. Long story short, I didn't feel it was the relationship I wanted. But I cared about Brian. We spent a few hours talking in his truck one night, we went to house church together, he came out to California with Delores and Kianoosh to visit me when I first moved out here May 2004. He met my little brother. No man I've dated has ever met my little brother. Brian's intensity intrigued, inspired and scared the crap out of me. He had a wild story about his struggles with drug addiction and finding his faith in the midst and leaving that behind, but how hard it was.
And then after his California visit, I didn't see him again. ever. he returned to Oklahoma and then disappeared. His close friends didn't know where he went. Drugs again. Struggles. Just recently, he went back to Oklahoma, clean of his own will, reconciled with his family. They must have been so glad to see him, he has 3 younger brothers. And then, as I'm told, he was driving one night. He swerved to miss something in the middle of the road and his truck, the truck, turned over. His liver was cut and they couldn't control the bleeding. A one second decision, a swerve in the road and that's it? I mean, that seems so unfair. I'm not naive enough to think that life could go on with nothing bad happening, devoid of untimely deaths, loved ones taken away too soon. I know, that's the way the world is, that's the fragility of life. But it smacked me in the face. Brian was 26 i think. 26 and just starting to come out of his own struggles, to come into his own. He has jumped into my mnd so much this week. I remember telling him the night he professed his "love" or whatever to me "Brian, i don't know you very well". He replied "well, what do you want to know, I'll tell you anything, we can just talk and get to know each other. You know, I like ketchup on my eggs, and I love hot sauce". Hot sauce. So trivial. He'll never eat again. It seems our defining characteristics don't mean a thing really. and I wonder, how do you make your life worthwhile? How do you make other peoples lives worthwhile. I feel I must make his life worthwhile, but how do you preserve all the people that come in and out of your life? How will I preserve Brian? How will I preserve my loved ones when they pass? I touched his face, and it is no longer his face. Just as I touched Abby's face, the precious child I taught acro for two years who died of lukemia when she was not even 8 years old. I stroked her hair when she was crying. Her tears have been dry over 5 years now. I can't keep Abby alive, and I can't preserve her except in my own fleeting thoughts.
Sorry, this ones a downer. I'm not pessimistic, I'm just reflective I guess. Life is worth living because we do, because we're here. But death is difficult. It's is and end (and a beginning too) and endings are hard.
My good friend in Oklahoma, one of my best friends, called me last week to tell me Brian had died. and I was stunned. Brian was not an everyday friend. In fact, he had kind of disappeared for a while. When I graduated college Brian told me he REALLY liked me. That he really wanted to get to know me better, to love me. I was stunned. Long story short, I didn't feel it was the relationship I wanted. But I cared about Brian. We spent a few hours talking in his truck one night, we went to house church together, he came out to California with Delores and Kianoosh to visit me when I first moved out here May 2004. He met my little brother. No man I've dated has ever met my little brother. Brian's intensity intrigued, inspired and scared the crap out of me. He had a wild story about his struggles with drug addiction and finding his faith in the midst and leaving that behind, but how hard it was.
And then after his California visit, I didn't see him again. ever. he returned to Oklahoma and then disappeared. His close friends didn't know where he went. Drugs again. Struggles. Just recently, he went back to Oklahoma, clean of his own will, reconciled with his family. They must have been so glad to see him, he has 3 younger brothers. And then, as I'm told, he was driving one night. He swerved to miss something in the middle of the road and his truck, the truck, turned over. His liver was cut and they couldn't control the bleeding. A one second decision, a swerve in the road and that's it? I mean, that seems so unfair. I'm not naive enough to think that life could go on with nothing bad happening, devoid of untimely deaths, loved ones taken away too soon. I know, that's the way the world is, that's the fragility of life. But it smacked me in the face. Brian was 26 i think. 26 and just starting to come out of his own struggles, to come into his own. He has jumped into my mnd so much this week. I remember telling him the night he professed his "love" or whatever to me "Brian, i don't know you very well". He replied "well, what do you want to know, I'll tell you anything, we can just talk and get to know each other. You know, I like ketchup on my eggs, and I love hot sauce". Hot sauce. So trivial. He'll never eat again. It seems our defining characteristics don't mean a thing really. and I wonder, how do you make your life worthwhile? How do you make other peoples lives worthwhile. I feel I must make his life worthwhile, but how do you preserve all the people that come in and out of your life? How will I preserve Brian? How will I preserve my loved ones when they pass? I touched his face, and it is no longer his face. Just as I touched Abby's face, the precious child I taught acro for two years who died of lukemia when she was not even 8 years old. I stroked her hair when she was crying. Her tears have been dry over 5 years now. I can't keep Abby alive, and I can't preserve her except in my own fleeting thoughts.
Sorry, this ones a downer. I'm not pessimistic, I'm just reflective I guess. Life is worth living because we do, because we're here. But death is difficult. It's is and end (and a beginning too) and endings are hard.
posted by Coco at 10:49 PM
3 Comments:
I'm so sorry to hear the news about your friend. That must have been a terrible shock to you (and everyone who knew and loved him). Life can seem so arbitrary. I think we all struggle with these harsh realities at times.
I think that by writing about him, by telling people you've never met about this man who went through so much and fought such intense, personal battles, you are serving his memory well. Now everyone who reads your blog will be touched by this story. His memory will live on and on and on...
Praise the Lord for his coming clean, praise the Lord for his reconciliation with his family, praise the Lord for Brain's faith. All wonderful things to have before meeting your Creator! Praise the Lord that his struggles are ended for eternity.
Crista, you did well by writing for & about him. Remember that your job is it make YOUR life worthwhile, not his. His was worthwhile, no need to worry. Jesus is not in the business of wasting lives.
Crista, my prayers and thoughts are with you! Cate is totally right...Praise the Lord for all those things before he went home to be with his Savior. This world seemed to be just to hard for him, to many temptations and struggles...but he's free of those now...for eternity!
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