I want to rest

This really has been a crappy season in my life (stressful is more accurate I guess). I cry, it seems, everyday, a huge gaping bleeding sadness thats in my heart. And it sucks because I can't tell which way is up. I keep trying to make the best decisions day to day but I totally miss the big picture. The worst part is I know I am making mistakes but I am so confused as to what is right or wrong that I just don't want to do anything at all to avoid hurting people or making more mistakes. I go with my gut as much as possible...but, sometimes my gut just hurts. arg. Like a child, I want one safe place to go and curl up in a ball and be buoyed by something bigger than me. People will say to me, that is what God is, that is religion. It is bigger than you God is your Father, Christ is your savior. I found no rest in God, no peace in Christ so I searched for something else. I have found no rest in my concious as I am not sure I am kind and compassionate to everyone, though I try. I have found no rest. My young adult life was spent looking for escape from the toxicity of my family life. I searched for the truth about the right way to live, the healthiest, truest lifestyle. I tried to rid myself of hangups from my youth. But I have gotten nowhere. I live again in a constantly tense apartment. People call me a doormat. But when I stick up for myself I hurt people and am told I am wrong to say anything and I wonder if that is true. Will everything look gray for the rest of my life? is there no right way to live, no right way to treat others, no way to keep peace?