Safety and Security

It' the beginning of a new month and I'm nearly all settled in my new place. As a single woman in a coupled society I am, for the first time, very happy. I like my life. I enjoy my work, I adore my land mates, I have good fulfilling relationships with men and women. I'd say on the ever present Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I'm pretty damn high on the pyramid. Physiological needs? check! Security need? Check! Love and Belonging, Esteem....well, I wouldn't say that I have realized all my inner potential, I certainly aknowledge that I have inner potential. So that puts me around the top of the pyramid. All without a boyfriend/significant other. Go me.

So why is it that, often, daily, I am afraid. I am having trouble sleeping and for a while I thought my penchant for watching GIlmore Girls at night was keeping me up. So I started shutting off the TV instead of falling asleep to it between 2 and 4am. I tried turning on the sound machine that Maia let me borrow. And I am afraid to sleep alone. That safety and security part of the hierarchy...it's missing at night. That is the one area where I really really miss having a boyfriend. I hate sleeping alone, not because of the comfort party (okay I like that too) but because I am afraid when noone is beside me. I lay in bed with the rain on and wait for sounds of footsteps or people at the window....anything. My brain is so loud. This has been the case ever since I was little and being alone in the bungalow brought it all back. I had these fears in Long Beach but I often slept at Shane's house. When I didn't I had the same problem. I miss feeling safe when I sleep. Boyfriends are always so amazed that I sleep more when I start sleeping next to them. They always think they are a "bad influence" and I will become lazy. No, I have a false sense of security when there's a man in the house. I miss sleeping with a partner. I miss feeling safe and secure and loved. It's okay, I know that but it's okay for me to admit that I miss it too.

and I'm tired. I went to sleep at three this morning. I tried, believe me, but in the end I kept the TV on to distract me from sounds and feelings outside. It may sound lame since I am 12 days away from being 26, but that's how it is. I, Crista Leopardi am afraid of the dark.