Mi Familia

In the last couple days I have spoken to my Mother, Father, Brother Emmett, April and my Aunt. I love my family and I feel such an equilibrium lately, a contentedness I have never known before. Like I rest in the knowledge that I have a family and we love each other and we are sort of getting to know each other. The rest of my family is much closer and familiar, but I am part of it too now. I talked with my brother yesterday and we shot the breeze... what? We talked about family members but also about music and the Batman movie and careers. When we were wrapping up my brother said to me "hey, thanks for calling... want me to call you later? we should talk more often" I hung up with a smile on my face. and then my eyes started to drip.

One part of me is overjoyed. Our family has overcome it's obstacles of pride and hurt and the past. I am so proud of us. And the other part of me is so angry that our group of good, obviously loving people couldn't be a family when WE WERE a family, when we lived together and before I felt like I was worthless and deserved to die. I am jealous that we had to lose our childhood and youth (my parents included) to frivolous violence and suffering. I know that that is ridiculous, life is what it is and I am so thankful that we have healed and are healing now instead of when people are old, sick or dying. But I shed tears over the years of shit that didn't need to happen. I am so very lucky that I have a burgeoning relationship with my brother who didn't speak to me growing up and my mother who admittedly at one point hated all of us. I am. and I am sick with the senselessness of our past struggles. Why? WHY?

I know the answer is that life is life and people are on the journey they are on. We get what we get when we're supposed to get it good and bad. And yes, I understand things I wouldn't have. But I lost everything first. And my brother tried to kill himself. and my parents hated each other, divorced, split things up, my father nearly died. For what? For what do we argue and fight and hit for?