Taken Back

My Dad came into town. My little brothers first football game is tonight (Friday night). Since I live close to the airport I told my Dad to stay with me the first night. In between flights my Dad called and said that when he gets in (around midnight) Little Bro wanted to come up and hang out ie, go out to eat. My brother has never come to visit me up here because it's far for him to drive when he's tired ,so I always go see him. I was surprised and a little worried, I knew I would be tired at the end of the day after shows and work outs and we were supposed to all spend Friday together and then see his game that night and stay up late hanging. My Dad's flight was delayed and he got in around 1 am and called me at which time I was dozing already so I gave him directions and told him to have fun with Eric but i was going to turn in once he was settled in. I was exhausted. I couldn't believe Eric was going to come out. I started to fade again when I got a text... it was from my brother : "Cool of you to flake. Not like I waited up to see him too. Have a great night" I blinked.. he's mad at me? Oh well, probably just frustrated. I guess Dad decided he didn't want to hang either. I put my phone down. A few minutes later it went off again "Yea, I probably wouldn't have the balls to respond to me either after I did that". Now he's baiting me. I searched my soul for guilt... there was a little, I had worried about canceling but Dad is in town a week and I was not going to be good company when I was so tired. No, this was starting to sound like my Mother when I was little. I was offended. My brother had been ignoring me for the past month and half because he was busy. I understand that. So why was he so upset when I was going to see him the very next day? I wrote him back "Probably not since you have to try to man handle me through text" he responded and this was the beginning of the end "Want me to come tell you to your face? I just know your too much of a coward to answer your phone. You would blow me off like you always do. But seriously don't think for a second I won't come to your door step to tell you whats good punk. Who you think you're talking too" My heart froze. This was my childhood being handed to me again through my brother. I hadn't been threatened by him for three years. The last time he pushed me up against the wall and screamed "you don't want to make me hurt you". At that time I had looked at him straight in the eye with fake bravery and said "hit me if you must. It won't fix anything" he had slammed the wall behind me and left. Tonight I called. As soon as he answered the phone he didn't wait to ask me anything, he dove right in with "what are you thinking bitch, you want to step to me, I'll come to your house and show you. You're a coward and flake you stupid bitch, you're a waste of everyone's time" I cut in and talked over him "Eric you don't have a right to talk to me like this I didn't do anything to you, I didn't stop you from seeing Dad, or doing whatever you wanted to do" (the insults were still coming. In between shut the fuck ups and stupid bitches I started to cry and I hated myself for doing it) "You always cancel Crista, everyone knows your a flake, it's a joke throughout the family. You waste everyones time" "Eric, I come to see you all the time. You don't even know where I live" "Don't tell me what I know bitch, I'll teach you, I can talk to you however I want" I lost it and started yelling into the phone "Stop CALLING ME NAMES IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK TO ME LIKE THIS." He laughed and said "yes I do, call a spade a spade, your a bitch so I call you a bitch" "I won't talk to you like this" and I hung up and sobbed. I immediately got a text from him"LOL, don't call you names? how old are you? you seriously sound like a little kid which matches how you act" I turned off my phone. I know it's dumb, I felt like a child and I threw up after I hung up the phone. I sobbed for a good half hour until my dad showed up. I am worthless, i am ugly, I am a dog that people can kick, I always have been. Do I really mean so little to those closest to me that they can treat me like I am a useless piece of shit? Yes, I really am nothing. I'm fat and ugly and disgusting and noone would treat me like this if I was skinny and pretty and worthwhile. But I'm not, I'm an ugly piece of shit, a stupid bitch, a waste of time. My Dad showed up and I was wiping away the mascara. I told him what happened. He said Eric was sleeping when he called and wasn't going to come out anyway. Nice. I took off work to go to his game today. I don't want to go. Not because I don't want to support him, I do. But I know him, and he will push me around when he sees me, insult me and call me a stupid bitch. My Dad will stand up for me but it will feel benign. I want boundaries. I want safety. I want to never be threatened by my family. I want to never feel like this again. But I will. Because this is my family and you can't pick your family. I can't shut him down because he is more than me. I hate conflict, I hate aggression, I shut down if you yell at me. I am weak and I cry and crying makes you vulnerable and open to be kicked. I will be kicked. I will be humiliated. Because in the world of men I am a tool and only tool. I am simply here to make men feel powerful. and they do. They all do. and that is why I simultaneously hate men and I hate women. and I hate myself. If only I were smart, or pretty, or small. God let me be small.