Blogity Blog Blog Blog...
Okay, so family news first...
MY NEPHEW WAS BORN! Anthony Christian - 9lbs 7oz. Poor Jess, 21 hours of labor! But She and Emmett are really super happy and every thing is going well...a healthy happy boy :)
My sister got engaged to her boyfriend! They are super excited too! A great week for my family!
I am working a lot, which is good. Our first sub gypsy Liane got hurt (I will explain in another post) and so I have been working nearly every show. So good, but I am tired. And Petco is a morning job so I am tired too.
I am meloncholy. No, I am afraid I am depressed. I don't like to admit it. I'm suzy sunshine right? Well i guess noone ever thought that anyway. I am lonely and frenzied and dark and I just feel a mess. I cry over everything, I'm way emotional. I hate it. I am a bit of a control freak and this darkness has been out of my control for as long as I can remember. But it used to be smaller, maneagable and now it covers me like a body cast, and its nearly as immobilizing. I work a lot, yes. I go out to all kinds of lunches and coffees with friends. I have some stupid, rebound relationship with Shane that honestly just leaves me feeling needy and a bit psycho. But I cry all over every one everywhere. I have nausea simply from a sadness that centers in my gut. This is all hard for me to come to terms with, that this is who I am...but I can't really see myself differently when I can't even push it down while I am at work. I was stretching in the brig during the show when Adina asked me if I was okay. "Yes". and I looked at her...moments of silence passed and she said "okay, I don't think you're alright" What can I say? I told her "I don't know Adina, I think I am depressed. I am sad and while I am not excited about being here, the knowledge that every second later it draws the closer I am to going home and sleeping in my bed alone terrifies me and I feel desparate" tears are now streaming before I am to go on stage. Does this sound dramatic? a rare breakthrough? hardly. I have been crying like this, feeling like this for weeks, months...years? years. I could break down the trigger for todays feelings but that is really irrelevant at this point. I am sad. I can push it off for minutes or hours or a day, but it's there. and it's aweful like this during PMS. It feels like utter failure.
So I have good news, happy times, I am busy. and I am looking into my options, because this will not last forever, I will figure it out.
MY NEPHEW WAS BORN! Anthony Christian - 9lbs 7oz. Poor Jess, 21 hours of labor! But She and Emmett are really super happy and every thing is going well...a healthy happy boy :)
My sister got engaged to her boyfriend! They are super excited too! A great week for my family!
I am working a lot, which is good. Our first sub gypsy Liane got hurt (I will explain in another post) and so I have been working nearly every show. So good, but I am tired. And Petco is a morning job so I am tired too.
I am meloncholy. No, I am afraid I am depressed. I don't like to admit it. I'm suzy sunshine right? Well i guess noone ever thought that anyway. I am lonely and frenzied and dark and I just feel a mess. I cry over everything, I'm way emotional. I hate it. I am a bit of a control freak and this darkness has been out of my control for as long as I can remember. But it used to be smaller, maneagable and now it covers me like a body cast, and its nearly as immobilizing. I work a lot, yes. I go out to all kinds of lunches and coffees with friends. I have some stupid, rebound relationship with Shane that honestly just leaves me feeling needy and a bit psycho. But I cry all over every one everywhere. I have nausea simply from a sadness that centers in my gut. This is all hard for me to come to terms with, that this is who I am...but I can't really see myself differently when I can't even push it down while I am at work. I was stretching in the brig during the show when Adina asked me if I was okay. "Yes". and I looked at her...moments of silence passed and she said "okay, I don't think you're alright" What can I say? I told her "I don't know Adina, I think I am depressed. I am sad and while I am not excited about being here, the knowledge that every second later it draws the closer I am to going home and sleeping in my bed alone terrifies me and I feel desparate" tears are now streaming before I am to go on stage. Does this sound dramatic? a rare breakthrough? hardly. I have been crying like this, feeling like this for weeks, months...years? years. I could break down the trigger for todays feelings but that is really irrelevant at this point. I am sad. I can push it off for minutes or hours or a day, but it's there. and it's aweful like this during PMS. It feels like utter failure.
So I have good news, happy times, I am busy. and I am looking into my options, because this will not last forever, I will figure it out.
posted by Coco at 11:34 PM
1 Comments:
What words can I offer that will help you? Which is more comfort, "Hang in there, you can make it." or "These words sound strangely familiar... Wait, I have felt this too."?
I offer both and even though our paths seem not to want to cross, I am thinking of you all the time. If only... there are so many ways to end this phrase.
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