Defective
I just left a date in the middle of the night while his back was turned... I fled before we were going to go to sleep as if someone was chasing me or forcing me to do something. This is a date (a double date at that with a friend of mine) that I have already been out with and... made out with. Thats right we kissed last time we were out (last week) and I have been looking forward to hanging out tonight because I felt we connected, I felt safe and comfortable with him, the likes of which I have not known for sometime now. and yet every word he said tonight seemed to make me feel uneasy. and then I couldn't stand the thought of ONE MORE person touching me, holding my hand, cuddling with me as we were moving towards doing. Towards the end of the night I wanted to scream DON'T TOUCH ME!!! but you know, no one forced me to be there and when he did hold my hand it felt good but... when it was nearing time for us two couples to... couple up and go to sleep I excused myself to move my motorcycle (convenient that it was street sweeping day) and instead rode straight home without explanation. All I could think was I can't, I Can't, I CAN'T do this. and god forbid he try to sleep with me, which, I know was the intent. I'm not saying he's bad... he is not the problem... he is normal. I am defective.
After Casey and I broke up I had a string of purely physical relationships. I didn't conciously choose that, but subconciously I know I did, looking back. The emotion tied to the relationship I had just left was more than I could handle to so physical it was. My trust in intimacy is completely shattered and now I can't do the physical. all I could think was I want to be in my home in my bed alone and believe you me, I have never thought that. I have insomnia because I don't like to sleep alone. I am ultra cuddly. and now i am broken, so broken. I have gone on a handful of dates this week with nice guys and all I can think is please don't touch me, please don't ask me anything. I want to be left alone. I feel betrayed and scared and that is just not right. But until that is not the case, I will be alone. I can't handle running away from a date like the runaway bride... lame, so lame, so busted. I hate it. I hate that the casey thing didn't just break my heart, it broke me too.
After Casey and I broke up I had a string of purely physical relationships. I didn't conciously choose that, but subconciously I know I did, looking back. The emotion tied to the relationship I had just left was more than I could handle to so physical it was. My trust in intimacy is completely shattered and now I can't do the physical. all I could think was I want to be in my home in my bed alone and believe you me, I have never thought that. I have insomnia because I don't like to sleep alone. I am ultra cuddly. and now i am broken, so broken. I have gone on a handful of dates this week with nice guys and all I can think is please don't touch me, please don't ask me anything. I want to be left alone. I feel betrayed and scared and that is just not right. But until that is not the case, I will be alone. I can't handle running away from a date like the runaway bride... lame, so lame, so busted. I hate it. I hate that the casey thing didn't just break my heart, it broke me too.
posted by Coco at 6:26 AM
4 Comments:
YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.
You are being fixed.
Seriously, Crista. Healing takes time, and often hurts more than the initial injury (take it from someone who's BEEN THERE). I love you dearly and I'm so proud of how much you've grown in the last few months... I will never forgive the Casey-weasel for how he treated you. Remember, I have a taser and a shovel- all you have to do is give me his address :) Let's hang out soon please! Love you!
Yeah... and I'll kill all of them with my bare hands if it comes down to it. [Shrug.]
PS, you are not broken, you are hurt. Both are painful, both can be fixed, the latter is much more a healing process.... still hurts... but the hurt frequently says it's healing.
and I'm glad you left... there's a little valuable lady in there that said she was ready go
Post a Comment
<< Home