Rollercoaster

It's my life. It's up and down. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have so much to be thankful for, the list could go on, and I am thankful. I have learned in the past couple months that you can be thankful and sad at the same time. I always thought they were mutually exclusive. I'm happy. I'm happy right? It's wierd, I am so ready to go, to live the future and see where it goes. I love my friends, I love my family, I love being a dancer, I love writing poetry and going hiking and watching sunrises and watching Grey's Anatomy and drinking lots of coffee and learning how to be a bartender...all these things i'm doing. And still by the end of the day I'm crying. I'm depressed for lack of a better word. I go through my days and I find I'm happy about different things and I get to focus on the beauty of little things and then I walk to the bathroom and tears well up and I feel...helpless and dark and cold. Everytime I come home and unlock the door the same thing. I go for my jogs and...well same thing. I feel listless and empty and tired and then I can't sleep. I have canceled on so many of my social engagements and then I am lonely all the time. This is normal I think? I've got life changes firing off like the fourth of July. But the funny thing about life changes is that they "fire off" and then nothing happens really. You're still floating with the tide it's just that your surrounding environment changes. oy vey. That's the way it goes.

Tommorrow, today, I am packing and going to a concert with a friend. Sunday, I get to visit my cousin and her baby in Pomona (I was supposed to go last sunday and I had a flat tire which I proudly got taken care of at the dealer ...and Melanie helped me out). My Father and brother are on the family cruise and I'm supposed to bring cupcakes to my Cousin's house. Life goes and it goes good.