Cynic?

I have been feeling old lately. When I was growing up I felt old, but when I left for college I felt like I could be young finally, that I could be wide eyed and explore and laugh without punishment. and so for the past 5 years I have been able to balance child and emerging adult. But I have chronic pain about being worthless, talentless, pointless. As an optimist I am not allowed to feel down or believe that I have no purpose in life. So I fight I keep moving and I humbly accept all criticism. I own it and try to rectify it. But I am losing more and more. This feeling of worthlessness is concentrating, darkening, hardening like a cancer slowly eating my organs. My previous methods of rationalizing are failing. I believed anything you worked hard enough at you could achieve so every failure became personal failure and now I am tired. I have no career, I have no beauty and I have no god. I have been a devoted Christian all my life, truly believing that love, selflessness, compassion, flexibility were the cornerstones of life. A devotion to my religion I believed allowed for any kind of treatment and I could be okay with that as long as I knew it was not without purpose. I did not ask god for health and wealth and happiness. I asked for purpose. I asked for communication. I asked for logic. But now, I have felt God's silence hang heavy in my life for so long. I can't say God has turned his back on me as he would have to exist to turn from me and if he exists in the Christian form he wouldn't (so is believed and taught). I believed that God didn't communicate with me because I was wrong. I was sinful. But alas, my life has continued on the same path either way. This feeling of loss of belief is akin to my feelings of abondonment from my parents...I feel it in the very depth of my gut. I have ached for a family, a home, a proof that love exists outside of what I can give others. and over and over I have felt the cold hand of rejection, first from my family, then from others. why is it with so much hurt I have so much love that wells up from the inside of me and spills out? I cannot control my feelings of compassion. I don't give love, it bubbles up from the bottomless spring inside me and spills out and is replenished. and so how can I believe that it doesn't exist, larger than me? But now I have to reconfigure my belief. I am unwilling to believe in something to make me feel better. I believe my contentment comes from knowing the truth. and so I feel old. Not giving up the fight but not able to ward off the hurt with a flippant cliche. and so I am now a cynic I guess. but a cynic with an endless stream of love and compassion? oy vey!