Sweetness..2
I have so much time to think now that sometimes it seems excrutiating. I stay up late at night watching either Gilmore Girls or Greys Anatomy (hard life, I know :) I sleep in and try to motivate myself to do some kind of cardio in the morning. What I want to do is lie in bed and read. Or lie in bed and sleep for hours and hours and hours...but I don't. I can't.
I love my job, I am contract at Pirates and I often have rehearsals at night. I love my coworkers. I finally am proud of my life, who I am, who I am turning out to be. I have options, I have a future. But it is a tiny little microcosm that I live in lately. and dating, oh my love life is aweful. Actually it's just not anything anymore. I need a reprieve from "love" since it's not really love I have been experiencing for the last...three years? Not in the man woman kind of love. I have lots of other love in my life...a few good girlfriends, one best girlfriend, a sister I adore, and one good platonic guyfriend. I have other guy friends but only one really close one where I don't have to worry about miscommunication...if you know what I mean. It's not that it's so important...dating. But it seems so lonely when I am not, yet so painful when I am. Why do I want what has always been painful.
Because I believe in something I have not yet experienced. I know that it exists. I KNOW, not because of research but because I feel and have always felt it's truth in my ...er, soul? well, practically speaking I have felt it in my chest, where I physically feel emotional things. My revelation...that is called Faith, right? I have faith that true love between partners exists. I have no proof. Not in my experience, not in my family. I see friends couples, but I don't live thier lives, I don't know what they feel. But I believe.
I used to think that dreams were nothing, scary manifestations of the subconcious, a tossed salad of any thoughts and impulses in the brain. But I have very vivid, specific dreams. I have dreamt of people, no the physical manifestation of Satan chasing my little sister and kidnapping her. And my little brother. For years I had various dreams on this subject. I dreamt of getting shot in a rental car, awoke the next morning to find that I had dreamt of THE car we had rented to go on vacation (noone got shot by the way). I dreamt of Casey making out with another woman, before it happened. I dreamed of Shane yelling at me and pushing me away and then making out with Liz (there's a lot of kissing in my dreams). But along with all the scary, disappointing dreams...I have dreamed of sweetness. long dreams of simple things like the hand of my beloved on my head that sends tingles through me that I feel after waking. A sense of security with THIS MAN in my dream. Sweetness is what I call it. Beautiful, steadfast, true love...not simply romantic bullshit. Not dates and hearts and flowers but come home from work, sometime to sit with you in the hospital, cooking dinner, vacuuming in my heels kind fo love. I dream it, but I feel it through my body when I wake up and it is intoxicating. I can't possibly dream up something that isn't real. Right?
I love my job, I am contract at Pirates and I often have rehearsals at night. I love my coworkers. I finally am proud of my life, who I am, who I am turning out to be. I have options, I have a future. But it is a tiny little microcosm that I live in lately. and dating, oh my love life is aweful. Actually it's just not anything anymore. I need a reprieve from "love" since it's not really love I have been experiencing for the last...three years? Not in the man woman kind of love. I have lots of other love in my life...a few good girlfriends, one best girlfriend, a sister I adore, and one good platonic guyfriend. I have other guy friends but only one really close one where I don't have to worry about miscommunication...if you know what I mean. It's not that it's so important...dating. But it seems so lonely when I am not, yet so painful when I am. Why do I want what has always been painful.
Because I believe in something I have not yet experienced. I know that it exists. I KNOW, not because of research but because I feel and have always felt it's truth in my ...er, soul? well, practically speaking I have felt it in my chest, where I physically feel emotional things. My revelation...that is called Faith, right? I have faith that true love between partners exists. I have no proof. Not in my experience, not in my family. I see friends couples, but I don't live thier lives, I don't know what they feel. But I believe.
I used to think that dreams were nothing, scary manifestations of the subconcious, a tossed salad of any thoughts and impulses in the brain. But I have very vivid, specific dreams. I have dreamt of people, no the physical manifestation of Satan chasing my little sister and kidnapping her. And my little brother. For years I had various dreams on this subject. I dreamt of getting shot in a rental car, awoke the next morning to find that I had dreamt of THE car we had rented to go on vacation (noone got shot by the way). I dreamt of Casey making out with another woman, before it happened. I dreamed of Shane yelling at me and pushing me away and then making out with Liz (there's a lot of kissing in my dreams). But along with all the scary, disappointing dreams...I have dreamed of sweetness. long dreams of simple things like the hand of my beloved on my head that sends tingles through me that I feel after waking. A sense of security with THIS MAN in my dream. Sweetness is what I call it. Beautiful, steadfast, true love...not simply romantic bullshit. Not dates and hearts and flowers but come home from work, sometime to sit with you in the hospital, cooking dinner, vacuuming in my heels kind fo love. I dream it, but I feel it through my body when I wake up and it is intoxicating. I can't possibly dream up something that isn't real. Right?
posted by Coco at 12:58 PM
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