A New Life for the Low Low Price of $60.00!
So much has happened in the last week or so that I can't keep up with it, I can't catch my blog up! I will summarize a bit though.
I had a very cool conversation with my friend Jaye. And while usually we talk about weight loss and exercising we talked about... God. Jaye had been getting a "feeling" about me. Don't get the wrong idea, he is in Japan as we speak proposing to his longtime girlfriend. In his email to me he wrote "A lot of the time, I get a spiritual feeling of comcern. I can't say how I recognize this... actually I can. I get thoughts about certain people, thoughts of concern. I begin to wonder what they're up to, and if they're o.k. I go with these feelings and usually I'm right. Sometimes I'm not, but it lets that person know people care, and talking with you a person who cares about life is always good." I cried at work one day, a pile on the floor about how I am working out 7 days a week and dieting and I am still fat and ugly and I don't want anyone to see me. He hugged me and told me to calm down, stress makes you gain weight and so does working out 7 days a week. That's when he started researching for me and sending me long emails with advice and encouragement. He sent me all kinds of info on fitness and then stuff like this "Take those thoughts to God in your prayers... Not exactly asking god for a six pack, but asking him for discernment, wisdom, health, strength, comfort, joy. Things of your heart, he reads those feeling like an open book. He's blessed you already, because you love... God IS love(fact). Imagine not being able to Love... how miserable life would be." and I felt my heart quicken. I grew up Christian and I don't like what a lot of Christians have to say... not because they believe Christ is a savior but I, I don't know, it's how I feel when they talk to me. How I feel is the only unit of measure I have. Like nothing matters except to be in the club that believes "the right thing", not humanity, not suffering, not love in it's many incarnations. And I felt when I read that part of his email the way I feel when it rains, like God is real and no matter how many men leave me God loves me because he knows I love the rain. Water makes me feel safe, it always has. I sit outside in the rain and in those moments I am complete. I don't know why. When Casey told me he cheated on me I listened like a zombie, walked outside to the pool and dove in fully clothed. I let him continue to talk to me while I sat in the pool because that was my territory and he couldn't hurt me there. Water. Okay, that's quite a voyage away from the point. Anyway, I couldn't deny how I felt and so I thanked Jaye for his encouraging words and for not being afraid to mention God to me. He told me the parable of the seeds sewn on different terrain and he said "Crista, you and I were seeds sewn amoung the rocks where the weeds try to choke us out. Don't let them, they are just weeds. But, for your whole life, there will always be weeds trying to choke you out" and after that we went to get coffee and Jaye talked about his life his faith and I asked questions and it was great. I felt like I know what I have to know, I believe in God, I believe in Love, I believe Jesus was real and good and he is a part of all of the major world religions, I believe all religions have validity to them. I believe that God knows me, Jaye talked to me because God knows me. It sounds bogus even as I write it. but that's what it is and since then I feel more spiritually settled. Then Jaye left and my Dad came into town.
My phone is broken. I have to get a new one.
My CD player won't play CD's, it's broken.
My hard drive is broken too. It died in the blink of an eye and with it every picture, poem, journal and song I have collected over the past four years. One part of me could be devastated by that fact... the pictures, the journals, the music..lets face it, my poetry is on this blog. BUt I am not devastated. I'm not even sad. I have nothing now keeping me in the past. I HAVE to move on. And I think it is sign of the times. My life is changed, I am changed and I have nothing to keep me dwelling in the past. I am excited. When I took my hard drive to Apple they told me it would be $700 - $800 to replace it. But because my landmate and her fiancee are AWESOME Jason looked it up and found an exact replacement for $60.00!! Wow, can you believe it?! Same Jason who had me order brake pads and then put them on my motorcycle for me.
Melanie, my best friend, is leaving for Oregon on Monday and we are spending as much time as possible together before then.
My Father is in town and while it was nice to see him, he has broken communication with my Aunt and, after the Eric incident sat next to Eric as he, yet again, called me a bitch. I blinked. I asked my Dad incredulously "did you not just hear Eric call me that?!" My Dad said in a cool and calm voice "no, I'm driving, I wasn't listening" Eric was in the passenger seat. I know, my family does not care. My Dad, who claims to love me has always allowed this. When I was younger and Eric pulled a knife on me my Dad punished me for not being able to control him. I love my Father but my whole life he has asked me to allow people to hurt me and to try to understand that they had problems and I was strong enough to handle it. And I am. But I don't want to any more. I don't want to allow people to call me names and tell me I'm worthless and just understand that they are hurting. It doesn't help them in the long run and if it did I'd be willing, but it doesn't and I think I have ample proof. I went to my brothers game, I love him too. Love covers abuse but doesn't allow it. I am scared. I have never been strong with the men in my family. But at what point do I get to decide that I deserve to at least care for myself? This point, tonight. My Aunt has cancer and she's really sick. She got upset at my little brother and my Dad left her house in the middle of the night without so much as a note and called me to ask me to stay with him. My Aunt calls me histerical and apologizing for being upset at Eric and afraid my Dad, her best friend, is going to leave her because of it. He won't talk to her. But he expects me to pretend like Eric didn't threaten me? He expects me to "get over" EVERYTHING and pretend like nothing happened but he won't speak to his terminally ill sister because she got upset at Eric for not washing his hands before dinner? Skewed. My family is skewed. And my Dad heard my little brother mistreat me and doesn't care. I am hurt and I am hurt for my Aunt. Men suck sometimes, at least the ones who love me.
But not all of them.
In other news I went to my first OA meeting. I have a chip :) I am not really an overeater. But I am willing to try something other than compulsive gym time and dieting to feel good about who I am. I am willing to look into everything. I see myself as a research project.
I had a very cool conversation with my friend Jaye. And while usually we talk about weight loss and exercising we talked about... God. Jaye had been getting a "feeling" about me. Don't get the wrong idea, he is in Japan as we speak proposing to his longtime girlfriend. In his email to me he wrote "A lot of the time, I get a spiritual feeling of comcern. I can't say how I recognize this... actually I can. I get thoughts about certain people, thoughts of concern. I begin to wonder what they're up to, and if they're o.k. I go with these feelings and usually I'm right. Sometimes I'm not, but it lets that person know people care, and talking with you a person who cares about life is always good." I cried at work one day, a pile on the floor about how I am working out 7 days a week and dieting and I am still fat and ugly and I don't want anyone to see me. He hugged me and told me to calm down, stress makes you gain weight and so does working out 7 days a week. That's when he started researching for me and sending me long emails with advice and encouragement. He sent me all kinds of info on fitness and then stuff like this "Take those thoughts to God in your prayers... Not exactly asking god for a six pack, but asking him for discernment, wisdom, health, strength, comfort, joy. Things of your heart, he reads those feeling like an open book. He's blessed you already, because you love... God IS love(fact). Imagine not being able to Love... how miserable life would be." and I felt my heart quicken. I grew up Christian and I don't like what a lot of Christians have to say... not because they believe Christ is a savior but I, I don't know, it's how I feel when they talk to me. How I feel is the only unit of measure I have. Like nothing matters except to be in the club that believes "the right thing", not humanity, not suffering, not love in it's many incarnations. And I felt when I read that part of his email the way I feel when it rains, like God is real and no matter how many men leave me God loves me because he knows I love the rain. Water makes me feel safe, it always has. I sit outside in the rain and in those moments I am complete. I don't know why. When Casey told me he cheated on me I listened like a zombie, walked outside to the pool and dove in fully clothed. I let him continue to talk to me while I sat in the pool because that was my territory and he couldn't hurt me there. Water. Okay, that's quite a voyage away from the point. Anyway, I couldn't deny how I felt and so I thanked Jaye for his encouraging words and for not being afraid to mention God to me. He told me the parable of the seeds sewn on different terrain and he said "Crista, you and I were seeds sewn amoung the rocks where the weeds try to choke us out. Don't let them, they are just weeds. But, for your whole life, there will always be weeds trying to choke you out" and after that we went to get coffee and Jaye talked about his life his faith and I asked questions and it was great. I felt like I know what I have to know, I believe in God, I believe in Love, I believe Jesus was real and good and he is a part of all of the major world religions, I believe all religions have validity to them. I believe that God knows me, Jaye talked to me because God knows me. It sounds bogus even as I write it. but that's what it is and since then I feel more spiritually settled. Then Jaye left and my Dad came into town.
My phone is broken. I have to get a new one.
My CD player won't play CD's, it's broken.
My hard drive is broken too. It died in the blink of an eye and with it every picture, poem, journal and song I have collected over the past four years. One part of me could be devastated by that fact... the pictures, the journals, the music..lets face it, my poetry is on this blog. BUt I am not devastated. I'm not even sad. I have nothing now keeping me in the past. I HAVE to move on. And I think it is sign of the times. My life is changed, I am changed and I have nothing to keep me dwelling in the past. I am excited. When I took my hard drive to Apple they told me it would be $700 - $800 to replace it. But because my landmate and her fiancee are AWESOME Jason looked it up and found an exact replacement for $60.00!! Wow, can you believe it?! Same Jason who had me order brake pads and then put them on my motorcycle for me.
Melanie, my best friend, is leaving for Oregon on Monday and we are spending as much time as possible together before then.
My Father is in town and while it was nice to see him, he has broken communication with my Aunt and, after the Eric incident sat next to Eric as he, yet again, called me a bitch. I blinked. I asked my Dad incredulously "did you not just hear Eric call me that?!" My Dad said in a cool and calm voice "no, I'm driving, I wasn't listening" Eric was in the passenger seat. I know, my family does not care. My Dad, who claims to love me has always allowed this. When I was younger and Eric pulled a knife on me my Dad punished me for not being able to control him. I love my Father but my whole life he has asked me to allow people to hurt me and to try to understand that they had problems and I was strong enough to handle it. And I am. But I don't want to any more. I don't want to allow people to call me names and tell me I'm worthless and just understand that they are hurting. It doesn't help them in the long run and if it did I'd be willing, but it doesn't and I think I have ample proof. I went to my brothers game, I love him too. Love covers abuse but doesn't allow it. I am scared. I have never been strong with the men in my family. But at what point do I get to decide that I deserve to at least care for myself? This point, tonight. My Aunt has cancer and she's really sick. She got upset at my little brother and my Dad left her house in the middle of the night without so much as a note and called me to ask me to stay with him. My Aunt calls me histerical and apologizing for being upset at Eric and afraid my Dad, her best friend, is going to leave her because of it. He won't talk to her. But he expects me to pretend like Eric didn't threaten me? He expects me to "get over" EVERYTHING and pretend like nothing happened but he won't speak to his terminally ill sister because she got upset at Eric for not washing his hands before dinner? Skewed. My family is skewed. And my Dad heard my little brother mistreat me and doesn't care. I am hurt and I am hurt for my Aunt. Men suck sometimes, at least the ones who love me.
But not all of them.
In other news I went to my first OA meeting. I have a chip :) I am not really an overeater. But I am willing to try something other than compulsive gym time and dieting to feel good about who I am. I am willing to look into everything. I see myself as a research project.
posted by Coco at 10:03 PM
1 Comments:
Thinking of you all the time.
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