Emmett
My older brother is coming to visit this week. His name is Emmett (one of four Emmett's in our undoubtably Italian family--no Irish in the blood and yet...ah well). Emmett is 27 years old and just had his first child, Anthony Christian with the love of his life Jessica.
I admit, and it pains me, I don't know him anymore. I haven't known my brother since I left for Oklahoma in 2000 and never looked back. We had a strained relationship growning up. I feel, deep within me, a longlasting love for Emmett and truly believe he feels the same. We have always danced careful circles around each others lives, dipping our toes in the water briefly before vanishing for...years. I wonder how he would describe our relationship. Perhaps I'll ask? Regardless I really can't wait to see him.
We were meant to be close. Our parents, just starting out had us close together, two years and one month apart (almost to the day). We were raised most similarly, pre major familial problems. Growing up I looked up to him like he was a god. He was creative, popular, funny...oh so funny. He had a fantastic memory and everyone loved and wanted him. He tested as having a variety of learning disabilities, suffered from night terrors at a young age and...basically had all the symptoms of a super smart, exceptionally artistic child that schools and institutions would hate and persecute for his difference. and that is just what happened. The late 80's early 90's mainstream really was just beginning to study ADD, different learning styles, artistic emergence in the young and publicly schooled. I saw him as perfect. Absolutely perfect. I wanted his approval of me and I would do ANYTHING to get it. I would follow him around and be his lackey, dress like him, bring him breakfast in bed or score lower on my tests at school if that would get him to love and want me around. Looking back now as an adult, that vast need in me for his specific approval seems so embarassing and well, childish. I never got what I wanted because I believe all these efforts made me the bane of his existence. I was a pain in the ass kissing ass. He, in my eyes, tormented me, teasing me for everything and my paper thin self esteem broke immediately. Every once in a while I'd lash out with MY weapon which was sypmathy from my mom and dad...tears basically. I could get Emmett in trouble and that was my only advantage over him. My parents to soothe me would tell me that I was good in school and Emmett was jealous. I never believed them for a second. Emmett was much smarter, more articulate and detailed than I. I just knew how to take tests. So I tried to downplay my academics. I have always excelled in giving people what they want, and I knew best what teachers wanted. I think Emmett envied the ease at which I ACADEMICALLY fit into school and our family (both our parents straight A, kiss ass students like me). I never saw that because to me I had to fit in that way because I couldn't any other way. I was not cool. The ugly duckling, awkward and introverted. So basically now what it seems our impasse was (bare bones of course), was that Emmett was jealous at my academics and I was jealous at his socialization...okay and his good looks.
People are want to say that your view of a mate in your life comes from you parent, your father as a woman. I think in my case that is untrue. My view of men in my life came from Emmett, because he had always been the leading male figure. I wanted him to accept me. He didn't and I believed from now untill kingdom come, that no man ever would. My sister and I cross examined how different our partner choices have been from the men in our family. Both our brothers are macho, shorter, muscular, homophobic men. April and I have dated a string of skinny, metrosexual, effemminate men. April is marrying an albeit gorgeous, but metro sentimental professional dancer. I dated geeky, effemminate, sensitive guys. Until Shane. The first guy I thought my brothers would approve of. Tattoo covered, homophobic, construction working man man who watches action films. And to my suprise I actually knew how to relate to him. My first foray into familiar territory. and the rejection that I knew would come from a man like that came. But you know what, the adult Crista can handle it. I have to remember that I am not the ugly duckling anymore.
And because of this swan revelation (and where we both are in our lives) I am so excited to see what can happen with Emmett and I. I used to say that we just didn't have anything in common except that we love each other. But I wonder if Emmett and I are incredibly alike for I realize now a depth in him I wasn't ready to recognize as a young adult. A depth that I have searched for and rarely found. A depth we can share? Brother and sister? I am so excited for his life as he says he is happy and excited. Having a child elated him, having a love brought him happiness. He went back and forth on careers but knows what is important to him....family, friends, being a good person. Perhaps our similarity is what made our young lives hard to connect. I found him mysterious and walled. He found me mysterious and placating. Our two different ways of handling the same thing? our insecurities?
I admit, and it pains me, I don't know him anymore. I haven't known my brother since I left for Oklahoma in 2000 and never looked back. We had a strained relationship growning up. I feel, deep within me, a longlasting love for Emmett and truly believe he feels the same. We have always danced careful circles around each others lives, dipping our toes in the water briefly before vanishing for...years. I wonder how he would describe our relationship. Perhaps I'll ask? Regardless I really can't wait to see him.
We were meant to be close. Our parents, just starting out had us close together, two years and one month apart (almost to the day). We were raised most similarly, pre major familial problems. Growing up I looked up to him like he was a god. He was creative, popular, funny...oh so funny. He had a fantastic memory and everyone loved and wanted him. He tested as having a variety of learning disabilities, suffered from night terrors at a young age and...basically had all the symptoms of a super smart, exceptionally artistic child that schools and institutions would hate and persecute for his difference. and that is just what happened. The late 80's early 90's mainstream really was just beginning to study ADD, different learning styles, artistic emergence in the young and publicly schooled. I saw him as perfect. Absolutely perfect. I wanted his approval of me and I would do ANYTHING to get it. I would follow him around and be his lackey, dress like him, bring him breakfast in bed or score lower on my tests at school if that would get him to love and want me around. Looking back now as an adult, that vast need in me for his specific approval seems so embarassing and well, childish. I never got what I wanted because I believe all these efforts made me the bane of his existence. I was a pain in the ass kissing ass. He, in my eyes, tormented me, teasing me for everything and my paper thin self esteem broke immediately. Every once in a while I'd lash out with MY weapon which was sypmathy from my mom and dad...tears basically. I could get Emmett in trouble and that was my only advantage over him. My parents to soothe me would tell me that I was good in school and Emmett was jealous. I never believed them for a second. Emmett was much smarter, more articulate and detailed than I. I just knew how to take tests. So I tried to downplay my academics. I have always excelled in giving people what they want, and I knew best what teachers wanted. I think Emmett envied the ease at which I ACADEMICALLY fit into school and our family (both our parents straight A, kiss ass students like me). I never saw that because to me I had to fit in that way because I couldn't any other way. I was not cool. The ugly duckling, awkward and introverted. So basically now what it seems our impasse was (bare bones of course), was that Emmett was jealous at my academics and I was jealous at his socialization...okay and his good looks.
People are want to say that your view of a mate in your life comes from you parent, your father as a woman. I think in my case that is untrue. My view of men in my life came from Emmett, because he had always been the leading male figure. I wanted him to accept me. He didn't and I believed from now untill kingdom come, that no man ever would. My sister and I cross examined how different our partner choices have been from the men in our family. Both our brothers are macho, shorter, muscular, homophobic men. April and I have dated a string of skinny, metrosexual, effemminate men. April is marrying an albeit gorgeous, but metro sentimental professional dancer. I dated geeky, effemminate, sensitive guys. Until Shane. The first guy I thought my brothers would approve of. Tattoo covered, homophobic, construction working man man who watches action films. And to my suprise I actually knew how to relate to him. My first foray into familiar territory. and the rejection that I knew would come from a man like that came. But you know what, the adult Crista can handle it. I have to remember that I am not the ugly duckling anymore.
And because of this swan revelation (and where we both are in our lives) I am so excited to see what can happen with Emmett and I. I used to say that we just didn't have anything in common except that we love each other. But I wonder if Emmett and I are incredibly alike for I realize now a depth in him I wasn't ready to recognize as a young adult. A depth that I have searched for and rarely found. A depth we can share? Brother and sister? I am so excited for his life as he says he is happy and excited. Having a child elated him, having a love brought him happiness. He went back and forth on careers but knows what is important to him....family, friends, being a good person. Perhaps our similarity is what made our young lives hard to connect. I found him mysterious and walled. He found me mysterious and placating. Our two different ways of handling the same thing? our insecurities?
posted by Coco at 3:04 PM
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