Truth Time...
Since tomorrow is the last day I could possibly hold out until anyway, I will just say it...
I am sad that Melanie is leaving tomorrow. She is my best friend, my sister. I am so excited for her and I know that she is doing exactly what she should be doing... following her dream. It's exciting and wonderful and achingly bittersweet. Words cannot express what she means to me, my longest friend, my truest friend, as close as my blood. I know that this is not an end, but a change.
and, since I'm telling the truth instead of pretending to be perfect, I'm sad that all my music is gone too :) I keep saying it's a good thing my hard drive died and a great boot to the future. But in truth, I miss my 4 year stock pile of music, my friends through thick and thin.
There, I said it. Do you want more truth?
I am glad this week is almost over, that my Dad left this morning and that the waiting game will be over. I love my Dad, but I was so stressed out. I have a new appreciation of my normal life and my gypsy nature (i.e. any thoughts about giving up the dream and moving home to be a more active part of my family is gone). No regrets, I moved to California for a reason.. or several.
Melanie and I watch a string of boring movies and felt a little bit like movie snobs... maybe we are, but we don't recommend the following snoozers: Smart People (the worst of them all); Michael Clayton; The Assassination of Jesse James. It's also possible that we were too tired or preoccupied to dig into the last two, but Smart People sucked for real.
I finally buckled and bought a pair of expensive jeans. They're from Lucky and I shed a tear at the $116 dollar price tag. They did fit me really well. I realized I'd been beating myself up for not fitting the same in my jeans and they are all Junior sizes from stupid department stores. I have hips now. I thought I was getting fat but I wear a size 2 at Lucky. I just happen to have gone through puberty now... a change I fought tooth and nail but seriously I'm sure some good will come of it :)
Lastly, the truth about OA. I am not an overeater. Here is the embarrassing honest to god truth about why I am trying a 12 step program. I miss being anorexic. I miss it. The one thing keeping me from not eating is that I am smart enough to know that eventually you have to again and when you do you become FATTER. I am not anorexic now because I know in the end it will make me bigger. That is a problem. I hate food, I hate eating, it never ceases to leave me feeling horrible, ugly and grotesque. Even salads, carrots and fruit. It's not the workouts and diet plans... I thought it was. I thought if I lost enough weight, if I was skinny I would solve the problem. I would feel good about myself. But the problem is not matter how much I weigh - I hate the way I look and feel and I don't like eating. At this point I workout everyday sometimes twice a day and I do shows. Now, I'm no olympic athlete. But I am active, very active. if I don't work out, I don't think I should have to eat. Or need to. I don't want to feel like this, even if I was ten pounds heavier I don't want to feel like I can't exist until I am a size 0 again. I don't feel that way about other people, so why me? I want it to end once and for all. I want to be okay in my own skin. And since it's a neccessary evil, I would like to enjoy eating again! I am functional and healthy so I consider OA to be what Melanie calls "be a better person therapy". I am not anorexic, but I would like to have children one day, children who know that they are beautiful and worthwhile no matter what. I have to be their role model and I can't right now because more often than not I hate myself... because "I'm fat".
I am sad that Melanie is leaving tomorrow. She is my best friend, my sister. I am so excited for her and I know that she is doing exactly what she should be doing... following her dream. It's exciting and wonderful and achingly bittersweet. Words cannot express what she means to me, my longest friend, my truest friend, as close as my blood. I know that this is not an end, but a change.
and, since I'm telling the truth instead of pretending to be perfect, I'm sad that all my music is gone too :) I keep saying it's a good thing my hard drive died and a great boot to the future. But in truth, I miss my 4 year stock pile of music, my friends through thick and thin.
There, I said it. Do you want more truth?
I am glad this week is almost over, that my Dad left this morning and that the waiting game will be over. I love my Dad, but I was so stressed out. I have a new appreciation of my normal life and my gypsy nature (i.e. any thoughts about giving up the dream and moving home to be a more active part of my family is gone). No regrets, I moved to California for a reason.. or several.
Melanie and I watch a string of boring movies and felt a little bit like movie snobs... maybe we are, but we don't recommend the following snoozers: Smart People (the worst of them all); Michael Clayton; The Assassination of Jesse James. It's also possible that we were too tired or preoccupied to dig into the last two, but Smart People sucked for real.
I finally buckled and bought a pair of expensive jeans. They're from Lucky and I shed a tear at the $116 dollar price tag. They did fit me really well. I realized I'd been beating myself up for not fitting the same in my jeans and they are all Junior sizes from stupid department stores. I have hips now. I thought I was getting fat but I wear a size 2 at Lucky. I just happen to have gone through puberty now... a change I fought tooth and nail but seriously I'm sure some good will come of it :)
Lastly, the truth about OA. I am not an overeater. Here is the embarrassing honest to god truth about why I am trying a 12 step program. I miss being anorexic. I miss it. The one thing keeping me from not eating is that I am smart enough to know that eventually you have to again and when you do you become FATTER. I am not anorexic now because I know in the end it will make me bigger. That is a problem. I hate food, I hate eating, it never ceases to leave me feeling horrible, ugly and grotesque. Even salads, carrots and fruit. It's not the workouts and diet plans... I thought it was. I thought if I lost enough weight, if I was skinny I would solve the problem. I would feel good about myself. But the problem is not matter how much I weigh - I hate the way I look and feel and I don't like eating. At this point I workout everyday sometimes twice a day and I do shows. Now, I'm no olympic athlete. But I am active, very active. if I don't work out, I don't think I should have to eat. Or need to. I don't want to feel like this, even if I was ten pounds heavier I don't want to feel like I can't exist until I am a size 0 again. I don't feel that way about other people, so why me? I want it to end once and for all. I want to be okay in my own skin. And since it's a neccessary evil, I would like to enjoy eating again! I am functional and healthy so I consider OA to be what Melanie calls "be a better person therapy". I am not anorexic, but I would like to have children one day, children who know that they are beautiful and worthwhile no matter what. I have to be their role model and I can't right now because more often than not I hate myself... because "I'm fat".
posted by Coco at 2:08 PM
1 Comments:
You are so beautiful.
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